Warning: Not Political. Not much, anyway.
Headlines, and what I think of them.
"Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes expecting child”
Ewwwwwww, gross! Can I say that Tom Cruise just creeps me out? How many girls is he going to go through? And honestly, he’s like old enough to be her father. I’m beginning to think that he actually is one of those space aliens that the Scientologists are trying to protect the earth against. I mean, what better place to hide, right? And that wrist-grabbing thing of his...
"Python Bursts After Trying to Eat Gator” Yuck! Although I can relate. I’ve had meals like that before.
"TV Tower Wires Kill 400 Birds in One Night”
I think the word I’m looking for is personification, where we assign an inanimate object humanistic qualities. I’m just imagining a huge TV tower crouching behind a building, just waiting to jump up and surprise an unsuspecting flock of birds making their way southward. The real story is sad, really. I guess their primitive avian guidance systems don’t count on steel support cables stretching through their flight path.
"Bush: More sacrifice needed in war on terror"
Fine. I’ll break out the altar this weekend and throw on a couple of lambs, maybe an ox.
"FBI probes ex-Marine on classified information"
What kind of probe? Vulcan mind probe, Sandy Berger “Down the Pants” probe, or the insidious “Body Cavity” probe?
"Regis Philbin, Donald Trump sing duet on new CD"
The apocalypse is seriously here, people. Who in their right mind would have let these two record a CD together? What has this world come to?
"'Batman' house escapes damage in Calif. fire"
Of course it did. They just pushed a button and the whole house lowered into the ground on giant hydraulic lifts, and then a giant sliding steel door closed over the top of it. And then an inflatible convenience store popped up over the steel door to disguise the site.
"Officials Recover Body at Pa. Landfill"
Quite the trend you've started, Mark Hacking.
"Now you never need to stop drinking..."
From Germany. Why am I not surprised?
"Defiant Critic Among First Afghan Winners"
Hey look, there's a defiant critic! Give them an afghan. One made out of really itchy wool.
"Majority of Dead Katrina Victims Nameless"
They've got names, dipwads; you just need to find out what they are.
"Bush: Militants Seek to Establish Empire"
It's all about the clothes. If you don't have stormtroopers in cool white armor, and a really tall guy dressed in black, you don't have an Empire. Oh, and you need a giant space station disguised as a moon. Militants score on those points: 0 for 3. Losers.
"Envoy: U.S. Greenhouse Gas Growth Slowing"
That's 'cause we're building less greenhouses. Ha ha.
"Researchers Reconstruct 1918 Flu Virus"
Bad things happen when you reconstruct bad things. Just ask the peeps at Jurassic Park.
"Martha Stewart to race pumpkin across Canada lake"
That woman is desperate for a headline. Any headline.
ad nauseum. I could go on, but why?
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