I am an admitted sci-fi geek throughout my formative years, and often dreamed of cruising through the cosmos at the helm of a buff space cruiser, shooting lasers and photon torpedos at other ships, chasing polyester-clad hiney and pushing a button and zooming into hyperspace.
Though I've largely outgrown most of this geekdom, there are a few diehard throwbacks that seem to hold on. Like the desire for weaponry. Specifically during rush hour.
Now I'm not going to go on some big rant about, oh, say, a black 2003 Jetta that swerved in front of me this morning without so much as a turn signal or a casual glance in my direction (die, buddy, die!!!), but I will say that the thought of being able to vaporize such an offendee gives me much satisfaction. In a video game sort of way, of course...
I thought about using PHASERS; maybe having them fire out of the chrome Honda emblem on the front grille (functional yet stylish at the same time?) And then I thought "No, phasers only succeed in turning the intended target into a big fireball with debris flying everywhere. I hate driving through flaming debris!" So phasers are a no-go.
Next, I thought about PHOTON TORPEDOES. They're over two meters long, and weigh 545 lbs apiece. Now, if I had a real buff ski rack on my little Honda Civic, I might be able to fit two of these babies on the car. Fastening them onto the ski rack would be tricky at best. I would want to make sure that the fasteners are tight enough that the torpedo doesn't go sliding off when I take a corner too fast, but then, I wouldn't want the fastener so tight that the torpedo takes my car along for the ride when fired. Along with decreased fuel efficiency and aerodynamics, I guess the biggest downside is you can only haul two of them around at a time. But hey, chances are you wouldn't need more than two of them on a daily basis.
And while photon torpedoes would certainly vaporize (or "waporize", as Mr. Checkoff would say) a target, they also deliver a payload of anywhere between 7 to 64 Megatons of explosive firepower. Meaning. If I take out the car in front of me, I also eliminate over half of the traffic, structures, roads and human life in the county. A tiny bit excessive on the collateral damage, I'd say. Then there's a strong possibility that I end up getting smoked too, and that's a possibility that I'm not willing to entertain.
Then there's the idea of leaning out my window and having at the offending vehicle with a LIGHT SABER. While it may not destroy, or "waporize" the car, it would certainly freak the other driver out to no end. He'd probably have to stop at the nearest gas station to change his underwear.
But what if the other driver ended up having a light saber too? And I didn't know about it? I can just see it now... I lean out to cut his front wheel off, and the offending drivers leans out and Brrrzzzzaapp! Cuts my arm off.
I don't know about you, but trying to retrieve a severed arm with a lightsaber off of an interstate freeway is probably more dangerous than carrying a photon torpedo around on the roof. And can you imagine the shape your poor limb would be in? It's not like they have decent bionic replacements yet...
There's the idea of replacing the chrome Honda emblem with a focusing lense, through which I could project a localized WORMHOLE that the idiot driver would drive into, thus removing him from the road. But then, that raises a few questions, too. Where would he come back out? I would be just fine with having him pop out on, say, the other side of the "Alpha Quadrant", but what if he bumped into some huge alien warship, and the warship took a look at his license plate, and knew right where he came from, and then declared war on earth? Or what if the wormhole deposited this guy two hundred feet away from his intended destination? (It's not like I'm intending positive consequences for his pig-headed driving), or what if his car suddenly materializes in the main chamber of congress, and wipes out politicians left and right? Well, that would at least be more positive than aliens declaring war on us...
Dilbert and Dogbert (or maybe it was Dave Barry?) once talked of developing "ATOMIC LAND TORPEDOES" that you could fire from underneath the hood of your car, but I see those as having the same drawbacks as the photon models.
Then I thought "Hey, maybe a large ELECTROMAGNETIC BURST would be good!" That would only render his vehicle inoperable rather than blowing it to smithereens. The problem being, it would likely affect the other vehicles around me as well, effectively grid-locking me in the middle of a bunch of immobile cars. And it would probably erase all of the music off of my IPOD. Okay, that option bites.
"LOVE TAP" on the rear bumper? No. Too many witnesses, plus police can analyze paint chips.
"VOODOO DOLL" of the driver? Nah. I need a hair sample or something, and I'm not that big of a stalker. Unless someone REALLY pisses me off.
There's always the anonymous CALL TO THE HIGHWAY PATROL, complaining about a black 2003 Jetta that's weaving all over the place, looks like he's drunk, and here's his license plate number...
But that just doesn't bring the same satisfaction as some futuristic weapon completely trashing that conceited jerk's day...
Maybe I just need to avoid the roads altogether?
****Update****
You know what's worse than the idiot in the black 2003 Jetta? Stupid engineering firms that think it's alright that we share our stuff with them, but then refuse to do likewise. Effing chumps is what they are. Next time, I corrupt the data that I send to them, quite possibly with a virus. Assclowns.
What, me bitter? Where's a lightsaber when you need it?
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