Just A Little Break

I've hit a wall.

• I just finished a rather large project, about ready to start on another one which might take me in a completely different direction...
• I've had very, very little sleep over the past few weeks
• I've been workin my arse off helping my girls try to attain their Girl Scout cookie sales goals...

And. I've. Just. Had. It.

I need a few days to regroup, and figure out what exactly it is I want to do with my life, my career, my blog...

Delving Into Geekdom

It has been suggested that I post something a little more on the light side. I'm thinking flashy red or flashy blue light side. No, not police flashy red and blue... Star Trek flashy red and blue.

I am an admitted sci-fi geek throughout my formative years, and often dreamed of cruising through the cosmos at the helm of a buff space cruiser, shooting lasers and photon torpedos at other ships, chasing polyester-clad hiney and pushing a button and zooming into hyperspace.

Though I've largely outgrown most of this geekdom, there are a few diehard throwbacks that seem to hold on. Like the desire for weaponry. Specifically during rush hour.

Now I'm not going to go on some big rant about, oh, say, a black 2003 Jetta that swerved in front of me this morning without so much as a turn signal or a casual glance in my direction (die, buddy, die!!!), but I will say that the thought of being able to vaporize such an offendee gives me much satisfaction. In a video game sort of way, of course...



I thought about using PHASERS; maybe having them fire out of the chrome Honda emblem on the front grille (functional yet stylish at the same time?) And then I thought "No, phasers only succeed in turning the intended target into a big fireball with debris flying everywhere. I hate driving through flaming debris!" So phasers are a no-go.



Next, I thought about PHOTON TORPEDOES. They're over two meters long, and weigh 545 lbs apiece. Now, if I had a real buff ski rack on my little Honda Civic, I might be able to fit two of these babies on the car. Fastening them onto the ski rack would be tricky at best. I would want to make sure that the fasteners are tight enough that the torpedo doesn't go sliding off when I take a corner too fast, but then, I wouldn't want the fastener so tight that the torpedo takes my car along for the ride when fired. Along with decreased fuel efficiency and aerodynamics, I guess the biggest downside is you can only haul two of them around at a time. But hey, chances are you wouldn't need more than two of them on a daily basis.

And while photon torpedoes would certainly vaporize (or "waporize", as Mr. Checkoff would say) a target, they also deliver a payload of anywhere between 7 to 64 Megatons of explosive firepower. Meaning. If I take out the car in front of me, I also eliminate over half of the traffic, structures, roads and human life in the county. A tiny bit excessive on the collateral damage, I'd say. Then there's a strong possibility that I end up getting smoked too, and that's a possibility that I'm not willing to entertain.



Then there's the idea of leaning out my window and having at the offending vehicle with a LIGHT SABER. While it may not destroy, or "waporize" the car, it would certainly freak the other driver out to no end. He'd probably have to stop at the nearest gas station to change his underwear.

But what if the other driver ended up having a light saber too? And I didn't know about it? I can just see it now... I lean out to cut his front wheel off, and the offending drivers leans out and Brrrzzzzaapp! Cuts my arm off.

I don't know about you, but trying to retrieve a severed arm with a lightsaber off of an interstate freeway is probably more dangerous than carrying a photon torpedo around on the roof. And can you imagine the shape your poor limb would be in? It's not like they have decent bionic replacements yet...



There's the idea of replacing the chrome Honda emblem with a focusing lense, through which I could project a localized WORMHOLE that the idiot driver would drive into, thus removing him from the road. But then, that raises a few questions, too. Where would he come back out? I would be just fine with having him pop out on, say, the other side of the "Alpha Quadrant", but what if he bumped into some huge alien warship, and the warship took a look at his license plate, and knew right where he came from, and then declared war on earth? Or what if the wormhole deposited this guy two hundred feet away from his intended destination? (It's not like I'm intending positive consequences for his pig-headed driving), or what if his car suddenly materializes in the main chamber of congress, and wipes out politicians left and right? Well, that would at least be more positive than aliens declaring war on us...

Dilbert and Dogbert (or maybe it was Dave Barry?) once talked of developing "ATOMIC LAND TORPEDOES" that you could fire from underneath the hood of your car, but I see those as having the same drawbacks as the photon models.

Then I thought "Hey, maybe a large ELECTROMAGNETIC BURST would be good!" That would only render his vehicle inoperable rather than blowing it to smithereens. The problem being, it would likely affect the other vehicles around me as well, effectively grid-locking me in the middle of a bunch of immobile cars. And it would probably erase all of the music off of my IPOD. Okay, that option bites.

"LOVE TAP" on the rear bumper? No. Too many witnesses, plus police can analyze paint chips.

"VOODOO DOLL" of the driver? Nah. I need a hair sample or something, and I'm not that big of a stalker. Unless someone REALLY pisses me off.

There's always the anonymous CALL TO THE HIGHWAY PATROL, complaining about a black 2003 Jetta that's weaving all over the place, looks like he's drunk, and here's his license plate number...

But that just doesn't bring the same satisfaction as some futuristic weapon completely trashing that conceited jerk's day...

Maybe I just need to avoid the roads altogether?



****Update****

You know what's worse than the idiot in the black 2003 Jetta? Stupid engineering firms that think it's alright that we share our stuff with them, but then refuse to do likewise. Effing chumps is what they are. Next time, I corrupt the data that I send to them, quite possibly with a virus. Assclowns.

What, me bitter? Where's a lightsaber when you need it?

Will The Real Reality Please Stand Up?

We're not talking about TV here. We're talking Alternate Realities, where something that we perceive as imagined or contrived, is actually very real to another person.

• One of the more notable examples of this is Scientology, and the belief that a space demon named Xenu kidnapped a bunch of aliens from different worlds, brought them here (where they became "body thetans"), and these body thetans subsequently attach themselves to all of us here on earth, and cause us all sorts of problems. Top level Scientologists use their strength to keep Xenu imprisoned in a mountain somewhere. Very real to the higher level scientologist, very unbelievable to the normal rank and file human being.
  
  
• Another example would be Skinwalkers, in which a Native American Shaman is able to use his powers to assume the form of an animal. Skinwalkers are usually associated with dark power and evil in their respective cultures. I once worked with a number of Native Americans who wouldn't even utter the word, because of the belief that it draws the attention of the Skinwalkers to them. A very real phenomena to them, virtually unheard of in the homogenized modern world.
  
  
• Another reality that is gaining notoriety through news reports is the belief that strapping explosives to yourself, and detonating them in a crowded area - causing as much death and destruction as you can in the process - is a pleasing thing to God (Allah), and he will reward you with 72 virgins at the gate of heaven. Most people on earth believe that killing other people is an offense to God, as it destroys the work of His hands. Yet, the concept of homocide bombers and their resulting rewards in the afterlife are very real to the fundamentalist Muslim.
  
  
• How about the reality of Holistic medicine versus that of the medical establishment? My holistic doctor maintains that cancer is completely curable by simple, less painful and more natural ways than the traditional method of surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. During his career as a holistic doctor, he has referred over 300 people to a cancer clinic in Tijuana, Mexico... often with grim prognoses coming from their traditional doctors. Out of those 300+ people, only one of them ever died, and the rest made amazing recoveries. Yet, I have a number of friends that have gone the traditional route of cutting, chemo and radiation, and have eventually gotten better.
  
  
• Let's look at the reality of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who has a sort of messianic complex that charges him with the task of wiping Israel off of the map and bringing about the return of "the Hidden Imam" (an apocalyptic figure, much like Christian traditions of Christ returning to the earth at the end of days). Completely real to Mr. Ahmadinejad and his followers… completely terrifying to the rest of the world, considering this man is working his ass off to obtain nuclear weapons.
  
  
• Then there's the reality of dinosaurs, evolution, and man growing into a human after having been an amoeba, then a slimy blob, then a swimming slimy blob, then a fish, then a lungfish, then a lungfish limping along the ground, then somehow the lungfish turned into a monkey over millions of years, and then from a monkey to a caveman, and then into what we know as a contemporary human being, and then into a metrosexual. Versus. The reality of religion, where the earth and everything on it was created by the hand of God. The jury is not only still out on this, but is fist-fighting in the aisles over it.
  
  
• I'm not even going to touch the whole "reality of what is good vs. what is bad" thing; there are as many opinions to that as there are people, it seems.
  
  
• And here is an interesting one to watch: The reality of the Holocaust. Do we believe pictures and written accounts from hundreds of people, or a group that contends that such a thing never happened, and is attempting to rewrite history, as it were?
  
  
• How about the reality of the moon? Is it real? (Joking!) There are some that contend, however, that our lunar trips in the late sixties and early seventies were nothing more than a soundstaged event, much like you see in the movie "Capricorn One" So what is it?
  
  
• I like delving into "Alternate History", sometimes just for laughs, but many times because I like to exercise my brain, and contemplate some of the possibilities:
  
  
  • Ancient Egyptian settlement in the Grand Canyon
  • Artificial Moon Theory
  • Ancient Indian Flying Machines & Nuclear War
  
  All of these things are very real to the people who research them, questionable to the populace at large, and pure bunk to the cynics...

So is truth a constant, or is it merely in the eye of the beholder? I know my answer to this question, but I'm more interested in yours...

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Someone is being sued for doing his job, and this time, it's not in America.

The link reads "Priest may face trial for saying Jesus Existed." Did anyone else just do a double take and say "WTF?"

Hello? McFly?! Just exactly what is the priest supposed to be saying, if he can't say that Jesus existed? Isn't that his job? His role in society?

Can you imagine what would happen to other professions if they weren't able to do their jobs?

• Doctor: "I'm sorry, I can't operate on you. Something may go wrong, and I wouldn't want you or..uh, your surviving family suing me..."
  
  
• Police Officer: "I'm sorry, I can't actually pull over that drunken driver; it might interfere with his civil rights, but I can drive behind him with my lights flashing!"
  
  
• Fireman: "I can point the hose at the fire, but I can't run any water through it, because of the possibility of water damage to the building, and I wouldn't want the owner suing me. And rescuing people inside? Fuhgetaboutit. Our insurance won't cover that."
  
  
• School Teacher: "Well, just call me a daycare provider; I can't teach reading because the phonetics people are threatening to sue me for "intentionally misspelling" words, I can't teach science because of the "evolution vs. intelligent design" debate, I can't teach social studies because the "politically correct" crowd changes what I can and can't say from week to week, I can't teach history because the revisionists are constantly changing that, I can't teach P.E. because of the possibility of violent games like dodgeball, I can't even send them to lunch, because the nutritionists are still fighting over what is appropriate to serve..."
  
  
• Forest Ranger: "I can stand in the woods and point out the trails to you, but if a bear starts chasing you, then hey man, you're on your own."
  
  
• FBI or CIA Agent: "Well, I used to be able to wiretap into suspected terrorist telephone calls and intercept important information, but some housewife in Poughkeepsie got all paranoid that we might be listening in on her gossip calls, and so that was the end of that. Got duct tape and plastic?"
  
  
• Garbage Man: "Well, the surgeon general determined that there's lots of germs in garbage, and that being so close to it might be hazardous to our health, and so what we're suggesting is that you create your own, clay-lined sanitary landfill in your backyard."
  
  
• Gourmet Chef: "Hey, uh, I'ma sorry aboutta zhe Teeveee deeners... zhe deepartment of health say eetsa eeleegal too serva you food thatsa been handled bya human hands..."
  
  
• Ski Instructor: "I'm sorry that I can't actually tell you anything about skiing, but if you follow close behind me as we're going down the hill, and do the things I do, you'll pick it up in no time...er, probably..."
  
  
• Real Estate Agent: "Uh yes, well, you see we don't actually sell houses, but what I can do is tell you how to find them: Drive down the road, and if you see a "For Sale" sign in front of a house, it's, uh, for sale."

The list could go on forever.

Seriously, what is this world coming to???

The "Five Weird Things" Meme

I got tagged by Sherri, so here you go: A few more weird things about me that you didn't want to know:

1. Meeting with my boss or supervisor makes me nervous. I am literally paranoid that the hammer is going to drop any minute and they're just going to come in and tell me that I'm fired. Not that this has ever happened to me, but I think that I still have a bit of "beaten dog" syndrome left over from the last job. The supervisor there knew how to keep you nervous; it was a control freak kind of thing.
   
   
2. Things that bring me comfort / help me relax: Taking baths or showers in the dark while listening to music, going to sleep while listening to classical music, taking long drives to nowhere in particular by myself, and drinking soda pop. And yes, I'm probably listening to music on that drive, or I'm driving with the windows down.
   
   
3. I'm often paranoid that there's a dead mouse in the can of soda that I'm drinking. It all stems from seeing a bottle of Dr. Pepper with a dead mouse inside at a law office once. If I drink out of a bottle, I hold it up to the light and check. If I drink out of a can, I take my chances.
   
   
4. All of my kids names are combinations of two and three syllables. If the first name has three syllables, then their middle name will have two. And vice versa. With the exception of the first born, the middle names have no "family" meaning to them, and were picked solely because of how they "roll off the tongue."
   
   
5. The sound or thought of running my fingernails along a chalkboard doesn't bother me; the thought of running a seatbelf between my teeth drives me nuts.

And there you have it. I tag anyone who wants to pick this up; I can't narrow the list down to five.

PS: The project from hell just went out the door!

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Anyone who has been to a grocery store since, say, December 26th, will know that Valentine's Day is just around the corner. So, In that vein, I will present some different philosophies on love:

The Wal-Mart Philosophy (as dictated by the arrangement of their displays)

1. The flower cooler
2. The condom display rack
3. The greeting cards
4. The candy aisle.

So flowers, sex, a card and then candy... I can't tell you how many times I bought flowers for girls in college... and never progressed to the next logical step (according to Wal-Mart, anyway). But then again, Wal-Mart hadn't arrived in Utah yet...

The Mother-In-Law's Philosophy (by Ruth Smythers)

Ruth Smythers was the wife of the Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church in 1894. And though I don't usually subscribe to the idea of reincarnation, I make an exception in this case: My mother-in-law is the reincarnation of Ruth Smythers. I'm sure of it. Here is a teaser:

"Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness..."

You have to go here to read up on Ruth's ideas of romance. It's well worth the trip.

*** Update: I can't believe I spaced it so bad that I mixed up Van Gogh and Dali! I remember it now; Van Gogh cut off the ear, Dali paints them in strange places... Stupid, stupid me! Thanks for the comment, KOM!***

The Vincent Van Gogh Philosophy

Cut off a body part or appendage and send it to your lover to demonstrate the depths of your devotion to them.

Though Van Gogh was Dutch, some Italian families seemed to pick up on this idea, and would cut body parts and appendages off - of another person - and send it to the person's lover or loved ones, usually with a ransom note.

Improving upon this idea was Lorena Bobbitt, who came up with the idea of cutting off her lover's appendage, and sending it out the window of a speeding car, as a token of her affection for him.

These are just three of the myriads of different philosophies of Love running around the world as we know it.



Share some of your favorites with me...

Night-Flying Insects, Beware!

Taken from Anika. Who took it from Jerk. And I looked at it, and couldn't resist!

How many of you knew that I was named after skunk spray, or that I had a better kill rate than an air disaster?

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Nilo!

1. Medieval knights put the skin of Nilo on their sword handles to improve the grip!
2. There are 336 dimples on Nilo!
3. Nilo has three eyelids!
4. The smelly fluid secreted by skunks is colloquially known as Nilo.
5. Only 55 percent of Americans know that the sun is made of Nilo.
6. More people are killed by Nilo each year than die in aeroplane accidents.
7. A rhinoceros horn is made from compacted Nilo.
8. Peanuts and Nilo are beans.
9. Worldwide, Nilo is the most important natural enemy of night-flying insects.
10. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn into Nilo!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Give it a try, just for the sheer weirdness!

Happy surreal Monday!

Spongy Yellow Bit of Americana

I just witnessed something fun and a bit amazing.

We have in our company a drafter, who is a woman of South African descent that has lived here in the U.S. for approximately 20 years.

She was in the front office as our office manager was opening up a package of Twinkies.

"Do you know, that I've never tried a Twinkie?" she said.

"Never?"

"Never."

So the office manager pulled one of the two out of the package and handed it to her. She took a bite, while the rest of us waited anxiously for her assessment.

"Mmmmmm! These are gooooood!"

So here is my challenge to you this weekend:

Try something that you've never tried before

And then, if you are so willing, come back and share your experience with me.

Happy Weekend All!

Mmmmm... Cookies!

It's that time of year again, and since my two oldest daughters will be going door-to-door this weekend selling their wares, I pose the question to you:

What is your favorite Girl Scout Cookie?

Also, some of us in the "thirty-something" category, and older, can remember foods and drinks from our younger years that are no longer around...

What are some of your favorite foods from yesteryear?

Inquiring minds want to know...

AWOL

Absent, Without A Life...

Between the markups that I need to finish by tomorrow, and the ever dwindling time at home, the opportunities to blog have been at a premium.

I feel bad. Not because I'm some sort of narcissist that enjoys reading what I posted, but because I really look forward to the contact I have with each of you. All of you seriously keep me sane, and make me laugh, and give me things to ponder that I've never thought of before.

Thank You!

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Now, because I'm such a slacker, and can't entertain you, let me post a few links for you to enjoy today. What a cop-out, right?

Oceanides: Images of Underwater Dance
Mind blowing photography. I came across this while searching for something else, and was just amazed at the photos.

Rebekka
An Icelandic photographer whose pictures are truly art (check out the multiplicity section).

The Church Sign Generator
Undoubtedly, you've seen some of the customized pics floating around out there...

PixelDam
Another bunch of people with entirely too much time on their hands

more to come later...

Why does this happen?

It's bad enough to get the flu. But to get a miserable head & chest cold on top of it? This has already happened to me 3-4 times in the past six months, and I'm sick of being sick like this.

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In other news...

Every once in a while, I pass a car on the freeway that has several large stickers on it, touting "Democracy Deserves Better" and "Zero Tolerance for Republicans". The driver is a clench-jawed woman, possibly in her fifties, who looks as though she can barely tolerate driving on a Utah freeway.

My question is... Why?

Why would someone in such a notoriously "red" state put biiiigg stickers like that on her car? Is she:

• an attention whore?
• suicidal?
• participating on "Candid Camera"?
• a few fries short of a happy meal?

It's probably a good thing she lives in Salt Lake, because if she lived in Provo, she'd probably find her stickers covered up by other stickers that read:

• "My kid and my money go to BYU"
• "Bush-Cheney '04"
• "Honk if you're horny"
• "Charlton Heston is my president"
• "Green Jello and Fry Sauce: It's a Culture"

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In other news...

Salt Lake Mayor Rocky Anderson wants to eliminate parking fees at meters and lots for Hybrid Cars, as an incentive for more people to drive them. What a weenie. First off, Hybrid cars cost considerably more than their smog-producing counterparts. Automatically, the poorer people are not going to be able to afford a hybrid anytime soon, unless they steal one (which, I guess, keeps the economy going in a strange twisted way: Thief gets cash for car, spends cash. Someone gets cheap, stolen hybrid car, saves money on gas, spends it elsewhere. Original hybrid owner gets insurance check for stolen vehicle, spends it on a new hybrid. And ordinary denizens everywhere dig a little deeper into their pockets as insurance rates climb just a little bit more...)

Oh, but where was I? Oh yeah. The richer people who can afford the more expensive environmentally friendly car get the breaks on parking, while the poorer people still have to shell out more money to park in Mayor Anderson's "Green Kingdom City"

Yeah, makes perfect sense to me too.

If you haven't figured it out, I really have no affinity for Herr Mayor. The nicest thing I've called him lately is "living proof of evolution" This is the same mayor that blames traffic coming into Salt Lake from neighboring counties as the cause of Salt Lake's air pollution problems. Never mind the several thousand miles of paved roads on which city commuters travel each morning! He also said that everyone should live within 5 minutes of where they work.

Ass sphincter say "what?" Hello? McFly?

In this economy, you work where the money is; you don't necessarily live where the money is. Our modest little home would have cost us twice what we paid for it, had we built it in Salt Lake, instead of the quaint little outlying community that we did. I seriously can't wait til this asshat's term is up.

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In other news...

Speaking of Mayors...New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin... Did anyone catch his performance the other day? I honestly thought I had the channel set to comedy central. When I realized that it was the "news", I had to wonder if he wasn't channeling Pat Robertson, with a "Chocolate" chaser.

It was strange enough to listen to his ramblings, but then to hear his excuse for it? It just keeps getting more bizarre! The whole "chocolate milk" thing? He would have been better off claiming that the Bush Administration was beaming the words straight into his head from one of the black helicopters, or super secret spy satellites. It would have been more believeable.

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In other news...

My project from hell just came back through my door with final mark-ups for corrections, along with (oh my) another sheet to be added. I'm so excited that I could just wet myself. But then, to top it all off, another little "quickie" project gets dumped into my lap this morning on top of everything else.

If my life was any more wonderful than it is right now, there'd be birds and chipmunks following me down the road, singing "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah".

Monday Afternoon Rant

This is why I avoid talk radio. I couldn't believe my ears last week. I had to run an errand one afternoon, and the car I used had it's radio on the Sean Hannity show.

Normally, I switch off talk radio shows. Whether they’re Liberal or Conservative, it doesn’t matter, because they all serve the common purpose of elevating my blood pressure, frustrating the hell out of me and making me want to throttle the next person I see just because of the unbelievable amount of sheer stupidity in our world today.

As my hand reached out to turn the radio off, the topic caught my attention. A child molester gets a 60 day jail sentence for raping a child countless times over a four year period, starting when she was six years old.

I left the radio on, because I could not comprehend what I had just heard. 60 days? 60 f*cking days for ruining this girl’s life?!

That was enough to raise my blood pressure several dozen points, but it was the liberal guy (attorney? state senator?) that Hannity was talking to that just shot the old bp through the roof. Here is a close approximation of their "friendly banter":

Hannity: “Can't you just tell me that this is a gross miscarriage of justice…?�

Liberal: "We don't know the whole situation here... Vermont doesn't offer treatment for sex offenders in jail...he needs to be treated for this condition so that he doesn't become a repeat offender..."

Hannity: "Just say it: 60 days for 4 years of raping this child is an injustice..."

Liberal: "Again, we don't know the whole situation here..."

Hannity: "What if it were your child? Wouldn't you be mad then?"

Liberal: "If it was my child, I'd be furious. But I'm not emotionally attached to this case. What you need to understand is..."

Hannity: "So what you're saying is that it's alright if someone else's child is raped for four years, but not yours?"

And so, once again we see why Nilo would never make a good liberal. I could never sidestep an issue like that. I cannot "see both sides" of someone brutally destroying a child's innocence and traumatizing them forever. I rather support the biblical idea of hanging a millstone around the offender's neck and casting them into the sea. That came from Jesus himself.

See, I have a six year old. And if anyone ever, ever, EVER did something like that to her (or any one of my other kids), you could number that person's hours on earth from that point on. See, if someone raped one of my kids, then got 60 days of jail time for it, I'd be standing in the parking lot ready to present my own version of rehabilitation for the offender: One 9mm bullet. I can guarantee he'd never rape anyone again.

I hate to sound pissy, but... *checking calendar*... Oh, hey, it's Monday. I can sound pissy as much as I want.

Is it just me, or are there other people out there that think this world is going down a huge toilet?

Falling Over The Edge...

You remember how they tell you that the world is round? Wrongo! I think the pre-1492 Europeans had it right: Don't wander too close to the edge, or you'll fall right over! I speak from experience...

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Last week, I had the project from hell to get out the door, and funny thing is: The closer you get to wrapping something like this up, the more details and little things you catch that need to be changed. So, long hours at work and long hours at home...and no play... makes Nilo most of the things that you guys listed on my post last week, except for: wanting to eat brussel sprouts, making extra $$$ to buy something fun, and having an evening of naughty bad fun. If any of those things happen to me anytime soon, you can bet good money that the Apocalypse is only moments away.

Tuesday evening, I packed the four kids up and took them over to an awards ceremony for the "Reflections" contest. There must have been about 150 kids there, all of whom had won 1st and 2nd place awards at their school level and had now progressed on to a "council" level. My two oldest girls had submitted entries in just about every category there was (Photography, Dance, Musical Compostition, Poetry, etc.), and so, while most kids in the room came away with a single medallion or award, both of my daughters managed to rake up seven awards apiece, making us somewhat of an oddity in the room. People walked by, staring at us as though I had an extra arm growing out of my forehead. The worst part though, was the 8-yr old crying bitter tears that while she had won several awards, she didn't garner a single first place award, and thus didn't progress to the regional competition. But her younger sister had, which was quite a blow to her self-esteem. I later congratulated the 6-yr old on her marvelous achievement when her older sister wasn't around. She got a mischievious look on her face and said "Yeah, I'm kinda like a superhero.... I took down a third grader!" I had to laugh. She has been living in her sister's shadow for so long, it was good to see her bask in the sun for a little while.

Tuesday night, I stayed up late to get some chores done, got to bed at midnight, and woke up to the sounds of the 2-yr old crying in the other room. I jumped out of bed and ran in to see what the matter was, and quickly found that she had thrown up all over her bed. I pick her up and carry her into the bathroom, and discover that she hasn't quite finished throwing up yet! My new scent could be best described as "Eau de Child Vomit". My wife comes in, and we get her cleaned up. I then take her down to the family room, where she sleeps on my chest for the rest of the night, occasionally waking up to barf here and there.

Wednesday, just a draining day all around. Worked my ass off on the project, then went home. I was home long enough to walk in the door, get handed a tupperware container with my dinner in it, and then turn around and drive the girls to gymnastics. I dropped them off, then headed up the road to my grandparents' house to shovel their driveway while I waited for the kids' class to be over. I pick up the kids, go home, shovel our own driveway and then head to bed. Around midnight: Barfing sounds from the girls' bedroom again. I go in and the 2-yr old and her newly washed bedding are all covered with vomit. Again. I get her cleaned up, and let my wife know that tonight, I cannot stay up with the daughter, 'cause I need to get up early. She stays in the family room with our 2-yr old, and I get up and leave for work at 6:00am.

Thursday. Worked my fingers to the bone, finding more and ever more last minute corrections that needed to be taken care of. My lunchtime call from the wife lets me know that she is in 100% survival mode today, and can she please just go to bed when I get home? Sure thing! I race home after work, have dinner, and my wife hits the sack. I get the kids into bed, and take the 2-yr old downstairs to sleep with me on the sofa in the family room again. Around 4:30, she starts wiggling around in discomfort. By 5:30, she's whimpering in her sleep and swallowing excessively. I wake her up, and put the bowl in front of her. Bad idea. She has now identified the bowl as the thing which makes her throw up. She insists she's fine, and could she have a drink, please? We walk up the stairs and make it nearly to the top at which time she coughs and throws up. Thankfully, I had the notorious barf bowl in my hand, and my lightning-quick "barf-daddy" reflexes had it in front of her face before you could blink.

Friday, I went to work and got the project to a 98% complete status, and felt good about my work. I went home, did my chores. Put the kids to bed. Got up with the 2-yr old as she threw up yet again!

Saturday. Went to local furniture store and spent part of my year-end bonus on a La-Z-Boy rocker-recliner. If the wife and I are gonna spend countless hours holding children in our arms at night, we might as well do it in comfort. Forked over $585.00 for this leather covered bastion of comfort, but then found out that the particular one we wanted is out of stock at the moment. There might be one on a truck in Idaho somewhere, otherwise it's end of January for us. Pretty damn ridiculous when you figure that the La-Z-Boy factory is in the northern part of our state.

Saturday Night: 2-yr old does NOT throw up. Yayyyyyyyy! However, the 8-yr old throws up all over the bathroom early Sunday morning, and the 2-yr old has an extreme case of diarrhea that leaks out into her newly-washed bedding.

Sunday: The proverbial and yet-elusive day of rest. Went to church with the one healthy kid, falling asleep in the pew during services.

---

And such has been my past week. It's bad enough to be physically and mentally exhausted, but the added bonus of having an episode of what could be best described as "midlife crisis" on top of that was just the icing on the cake. Still in the episode, but I'm dealing with it on a moment by moment basis. I'll answer some of the comments on previous posts today!

Grrrrrrrrr.

Finish this phrase: "All work and no play makes Nilo... "

You Rock My World!

Seriously, after yesterday's trickle of posting, I seriously didn't think I'd end up with so much traffic! (You have to realize that my blog is the internet equivalent of a small house in a rural area that has a half-mile long driveway, and the nearest neighbors are several pastures away.) It was late December before I actually broke the 100 pageload ceiling for the first time!



But there you have it, in vibrant StatCounter color: 126 hits. Again, chump change for many of you, but for a small-time guy like me, it was amazing that people thought that I write stuff worth reading.

On that note, our structural engineer added two pages to the set of plans on our project this morning, and I'm the unlucky one who gets to do the CAD layout on them. Thrilling beyond belief.

I do have actual posts to post, but again, they may have to be relegated to later this evening, or possibly later this week.

So, since I have nothing for you to feast your minds upon today (feast? Nah. Even at my best, I'm the blogging equivalent of the McDonald's dollar menu), I would like to direct you to one of my all-time favorite Blog sites.

Alex The Girl

I came across her site quite by chance about 3 years ago. She has been blogging since 1996, and receives over 90,000 hits to her site daily.

Her content is quite amazing and quite profound. Just over a year ago, she moved from Seattle to L.A., and since then has been rubbing elbows with people whose names most of us only see on movie credits. And yet, she is still as genuine as ever in the things that she observes and shares in her site.

Give her a look. I highly recommend it. Read her profile... it's a scream. (One of my favorite posts is the May Queen pageant)

In Only A Moment

...a myriad of things can happen.

But have you ever had one of those moments where, for just a brief, shining moment, everything becomes crystal clear to your understanding? Where you comprehend life, death and everything in between?

I had one of those moments today, and was so awestruck by the feeling, because there weren't words to describe what I was seeing. And if I had to describe what I felt, I would have to use the word "beauty". Strange word to use when you consider all of the pain and suffering in the world today, but what I saw and felt in just that flash was... beauty.

And then, like the morning dew, it was gone.

And Yet Another Lame Post...

Do I have excuses? Yeah. Probably.

Still crunch time at work.

Any time at home to spend at the computer?

Not bloody likely. I'll be carting four kids around at a school activity tonight sans wife.

And I'm in a foul mood. One of those "I don't give a (insert your choice of words here)about life today" kind of days.

It just plain sucks.

Grrrrrrrrrr.

Not Pushing Up Daisies...

Hello all, I survived the weekend without too much emotional trauma. In fact, the baby and the toddler were actually quite well behaved. More on that later.

Thank you all for your comments - I will try to answer a bunch of them a bit later in the afternoon.

I'm in crunch mode at work this morning, so I probably won't be able to do a decent post until this evening, but I'll try and add maybe a few interesting links to this little diddy as the day goes on.

And thank you for letting me know that you'd put me out of my misery if I ever started singing in Italian.

Just curious: How many of you got a headache reading the "Counting the Hours" post? Did it strike a little too close to home for some?

---

For those of you with "weight loss" on your list of New Year's resolutions, check out this diet that involves setting fire to your body... (under the heading "Can't possibly be true").

Not your everyday cat.

Revenge of the Fiery Rodent. This one made me laugh. Hard.

Happy Weekend, Y'all!

I wish you all a wonderfully great weekend!

Something's wrong here. I'm on my third country music album this morning, getting ready to dig out albums number 4 & 5.

What's wrong with that?

Country isn't what I usually listen to, but it's helping - in some mysterious way - help mitigate this uneasy, anxious feeling I have.

If I start listening to opera, please just shoot me.

Peace out.

Counting the Hours

This is a rough outline of what my wild weekend will include, down to the second:

4:00:00pm Get home from work.

4:30:00pm Drop Wife and oldest two daughters off at bus terminal for a day-long trip.

4:30:01pm Console inconsolable 2-yr old daughter, who is heartbroken that she doesn't get to go too.

4:30:12pm Suggest renting a DVD

4:30:16pm Try to bribe her with a treat

4:30:18pm Suggest going to McDonald's for dinner.

4:30:30pm Pack youngest two children back into minivan, head up the road to McDonald's.

4:42:00pm Spend next 40 minutes with the baby in one arm, a Big Mac in the other, watching the 2-yr old go nuts in the play structure.

5:22:00pm Give single french fry to 2-yr old. Watch her speed away from the table back to the play structure.

5:42:00pm Talk 2-yr old into packing it up so that we can go home. Promise all sorts of treats or goodies, not certain whether or not I can deliver.

5:48:00pm Walk by the Redbox DVD machine on our way to the car. Try to check out Kronk's New Groove. Gone. How about Madagascar (again)? Gone. About the only thing left to rent is Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. Um, No. Tell daughter "Sorry honey, DVD machine broken! Let's go to Hollywood Video!"

5:59:00pm Arrive at Hollywood Video. Unfortunately, halt the town preceded me by an hour, and so few - if any - new releases are left. I manage to grab a Dora the Explorer DVD, and by sheer luck notice a copy of Kronk's New Groove sitting on the candy rack by the checkout stands. I go to pay for it, realize I have no cash, and end up putting it on the mastercard.

6:04:00pm I load the kids into the car, and decide that 24 hours of us "bach'en it" requires some goodies. We drive toward Wal-Mart. The half of the town that beat us to Hollywood Video is still lingering around Wal-Mart. I reason that we probably have at least 14lbs of Christmas candy left over. We drive home.

6:24:00pm We get home, I notice that the 2-yr old is sporting a messy diaper. I change her diaper, and then discover the baby needs a little diaper maintenance as well. Upon opening up his diaper, I find that it has gone all the way up his back, requiring the use of about 12 wet-wipes to get him nominally clean. He does have a satisfied look on his face, however. I put the new diaper on him, making a mental note to give him a bath a little later on.

6:27:42pm Baby fills his diaper with poop again. Where does it all come from? 8 wet-wipes later, we are good to go again. Meanwhile, 2-yr old is growing restless for me to put Dora the Explorer into the DVD player. This just might buy 30 minutes of sanity here until I can regroup...

6:41:00pm Baby starts crying. It's about time for him to be fed. I can't believe I spaced that off. I pull out a bottle of milk from the refrigerator, and spend the next 5 minutes warming it up, while his fussing becomes increasing more... fussy.

6:46:20pm Feed the baby his bottle. Sit next to the 2-yr old while she watches Dora. I've seen this show before, I know it. Think. Think. Oh yeah, it reminds me a lot of that one that we already have in our DVD collection. The one that she has already watched 300+ times. The one with a cover identical to the one that I just paid four bucks to rent. *sigh*

6:58:00pm Burp the baby. He falls asleep. I stealthily creep back to the computer in the family room to catch up on a bit of blogging while the baby sleeps in the crook of my arm. I barely have the browser open when I hear a soft little sing-song voice at my elbow. "Da-Da? Play Elmo game?" She holds up a CD with sticky fingerprints all over it. "Can you watch Dora for a few more minutes?" I look over at the TV, and Dora and Boots are dancing around, high fiving each other, singing something in Spanish. This is pretty much the end of the show, and I'm thinking that she already knows how it ends by now...

7:01:00pm Clean Elmo CD-ROM game, and put it in. 2-yr old insists I remain with her while she plays the game. But I am not to interfere or help her. She just doesn't want to be alone. Well, there's two hours until Numbers comes on. Maybe I can do some reading?

7:09:00pm I've picked out a book, and laid back on the sofa. Baby wakes up and starts crying. I put the book down, and lean up, gently patting his back. Check his diaper. It's wet. I change his diaper, but not without getting sprayed by a "golden ray of sunshine". I go wash up, leaving the baby on the floor with Maggie the dog staring down her nose at him, trying to figure him out.

7:11:00pm I ask the 2-yr old if she wants to watch Kronk's New Groove? She looks at me as if I spoke to her in German. Spanish she could understand, but German, no. I pull the DVD of "The Emperor's New Groove" off of the shelf, and while pointing at the cover, explain to her that Kronk is the big stupid guy. She elects to watch The Emperor's New Groove instead.

7:28:00pm 2-yr old asks for popcorn. We pause the DVD and pop some microwave popcorn. My grandparents gave us a whole case of the stuff, but it was the kind with hardly any butter. And I absolutely LOVE my popcorn dripping with butter!

7:30:00pm We restart the movie.

7:31:00pm 2-yr old asks for a drink.

7:32:24pm I hand a drink of water to my daughter. "No, Daddy! Want Barbie sippee cup!" *sigh*

7:34:00pm I poured the contents of the first cup into the Barbie sippee cup, and hand it to her. I notice that the baby has pooped... yet again!

7:41:00pm Baby is now all cleaned up, and 2-yr old is happily watching Emperor's New Groove.

8:04:00pm 2-yr old starts asking where her binky is. We pause the DVD, yet again, and hunt all over the house for any one of her 5 binkies.

8:21:00pm We restart the movie.

8:44:00pm 2-yr old gets very moody, whining that she wants her mommy. What am I, chopped liver? Baby starts crying too, making it a 2-part harmony. I run through a list of different bribes to get her to quit crying. Why in the hell did I suggest getting "Chicken Nuggies" at McDonald's? We pack it up and head back to McDonald's. Baby hates car rides at night; screams nearly the entire way.

9:20:00pm I hold baby in one arm, and an order of fries in the other. I should have gotten a shake instead. 2-yr old attacks the playland with the same high-energy vigor that she did nearly five hours ago. Chicken Nuggies go cold.

9:55:00pm 2-yr old says "Daddy, I tired!" I load the kids into the minivan again, and within two minutes, she is completely zonked out.

10:17:00pm I quietly and carefully unload a sleeping toddler and sleeping baby out of the van and into the house. I place the 2-yr old in our bed, as she will most likely wake up tonight and wander in here anyway.

10:17:30pm Baby wakes up. He's hungry again. I should have seen that one coming. Another five minutes is spent heating up a bottle of milk while trying to calm the hungry beast.

10:24:00pm I feed bottle to baby. Burp him, and he's wide awake, just looking around. I wonder if I can catch the end of "Lawrence of Arabia" on the Comcast "On Demand".

10:30:00pm With sounds of dozens of angry camel riders charging the city of Aquiba, I change another wet diaper, careful to not get sprinkled again.

10:36:00pm While looking around and checking things out, baby's eyelids close, and he zonks out. I put him to bed.

10:42:00pm I drag a large box in from the garage, and proceed to take the Christmas tree (undecorated) down.

11:14:00pm I finish with the tree, and wander upstairs, thinking a hot bath sounds kinda nice. I fill up the tub with steaming hot water, putting a George Winston CD into the boombox on the counter.

11:19:00pm I hear sounds of crying coming from my bedroom. I jump out of the tub, throw a bathrobe on and run in to comfort my 2-yr old, who is not quite awake, but is crying for Mommy. What am I, chopped liver? I lay on the be next to her and soothe her back to sleep.

11:34:00pm She's asleep, and I get back into my bath, and reflect on all that I haven't accomplished today.

11:50:00pm I get out of the tub, throw my pajamas on and settle down into bed.

12:13:00am Baby wakes up. Has wet diaper and is hungry. I change him, and do the whole routine of heating up the bottle and feeding him and burping him again. He falls asleep around 1:00.

1:50:00am 2-yr old wakes up again, causing me to wonder if McDonald's is possibly open at this hour. Or, maybe I can find that mini-bottle of Jack Daniels that we rub on the kids' gums when they're teething, and... no. That's probably illegal. Certainly unethical. 2-yr old goes back to sleep within 10 minutes.

4:12:00am Baby wakes up. Has wet diaper and is hungry. I change him, and do the whole routine of heating up the bottle and feeding him and burping him again. He stays awake until about 6:00.

7:24:00am 2-yr old wakes up, wants to watch Spongebob. I put her in front of the TV, not caring that it's Lazytown that's on at the moment. Apparently, she doesn't care either.

8:58:00am Baby wakes up. Has messy diaper and is hungry. I change him, and do the whole routine of heating up the bottle and feeding him and burping him again.

9:00:00am 2-yr old doesn't like what's on TV. I talk her into watching Kronk's New Groove, and give her a box of cold cereal to munch on.

10:12:00am My grandparents call up and want to know if the 2-yr old would like to come up and visit. I say "Sure".

10:38:00am I pack the kids into the minivan, go to put the dog out, and realize that I left her out all night. Good thing she has a fur coat... and a dog house. Ten minutes later, I am in the parking lot at Target, trying to figure out just where the hell I was supposed to be going. I remember.

11:05:00am We arrive at Grandma & Grandpa's house. 2-yr old runs off to play with Grandma. Baby is hungry. And wet. I change his diaper, then realize that I didn't bring a bottle with me. I race down the street to the grocery store and buy a can of formula. I get back out to the car, realizing that I have no bottle to put the formula in. I run back in and buy a bottle.

11:32:00am I get back to Grandma & Grandpa's house, where the baby has gone back to sleep.

11:33:00am I collapse of sheer exhaustion.

12:14:00pm Grandma wakes me up, wanting to know if I would like to go to McDonald's for lunch? "No, you guys go without me. I'll just stay here with the baby."

1:52:00pm Grandparents and 2-yr old return from the golden arches, with a mostly uneaten happy meal.

2:02:00pm The 2-yr old crashes, and the baby wakes up. With a massively poopy diaper. I didn't bring diaper wipes, either. I use wet paper towels on this one, hoping that the diaper gods can forgive me this one infraction. He tries his bottle of formula. Hates it. But then figures he's hungry enough to eat it anyway.

3:38:00pm The 2-yr old wakes up, sleepily munches on some cold chicken nuggets while I pack them into the minivan. The baby goes to sleep, and we drive down to the bus station to pick Mommy and the girls up.

4:23:00pm The bus pulls up, and Mommy and the girls climb off. The two year old is ecstatic, and is barely suppressing enough energy to power a small city for several days. Mysteriously, the baby wakes up, sensing that a much better meal than "formula" is nearby.

"How was everything?" my wife asks. "Perfect. We had a great time" I reply.

---

End Result:

Time spent on Blogging: 0

Time spent on fiction writing: 0

Time spent getting my chores done: 0

Time well spent: 24 hours, give or take.

Things That Have Made Me Smile Today

After the dark and depressing vinegar-filled post this morning, things have gotten better.

Here are a few things from some of your blogs that have made me smile and laugh today:

• The Top 100 Annoying Things From 2005
• "The Bra Fitting" by Suburban Bliss
• "The Farewell Dinner" by View From A Minivan

Have a good Wednesday afternoon...

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This just in: Conversation between my wife and the 2-yr old.

2-yr old: "Mommy, can we go Disneyland?"

Wife: "Tell you what, we'll save our money and go to Disneyland, OK?"

At this point our little girl races off to her bedroom, and comes back with 12 cents in her hand.

2-yr old: "Here money, go Disneyland now?"

My Bachelor Party

The dirty version . Well, OK, there really isn't a dirty version. This post is in response to a post that Countess put up this morning.

Picture if you will, a warm June evening about 10 years ago. I've been called by my soon-to-be-wife, telling me that I have to keep my evening open, as I am supposed to make an appearance at one of her wedding showers.

*Groan*

I can think of many other things I'd rather do than go to a wedding shower, things like:

• Building a fully functioning suspension bridge out of spam.
• Supergluing my hand to my forehead.
• Scale the Eiffel Tower by the suction power of my own two lips.

So there I sat, waiting for the fiancee to call, when there came a knock on the door. I opened it, to see two friends from school standing there with a pillowcase.

"We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way."

Evaluate options here: Sheer torture of wedding shower, or abduction?

"Okay", I said. And then we were off.

I was spirited away up Parley's Canyon to a summer home area a few miles up a side canyon. These guys had not only kidnapped me, but another friend who was going to be married a week earlier than me. They tied us to a utility trailer and towed us up the three mile long canyon road... did I mention the road was muddy? They spun the tires every time they rounded a corner, plastering us with mud. We arrived at the vacation home, were cleaned up, and had a night of delicious barbecue, loud music, pool and hot tubbing.

Around 10pm, or so, the other guy's fiancee show up at the door with two of her friends. Soaking wet. Apparently, they had caught hold of a rumor that my fiancee was going to be up here, and not to be outdone, this girl and her friends walk three miles up the single lane road. In the dark. In the rain. Did I mention that she also had a broken ankle? So yes, in a cast and on crutches as well. All because she thought my soon-to-be-wife was up here, probably stripping for us. She was a very competitive girl; you would had to have known her.

And so, the other guy's one night of freedom was marred by his dominating woman, a pattern which would continue in their lives for years to come. I, on the other hand, thoroughly enjoyed my evening.

Why such a low-key party, you ask? It was the crowd I hung out with, and this is what we deemed as an enjoyable time. Things would have been completely different had two of my good friends not been teaching English in Seoul, Korea at the time. Then my party would have involved strippers, and probably some livestock as well.

Anyone have any good "Bachelor / Bachelorette" stories?

A Day of Death

Sad news, and then it gets increasingly pissy.

Heartbreak in West Virginia.

Please keep the families and friends of the miners who died in a West Virginia coal mine yesterday in your prayers and thoughts.

When I had gone to bed last night, it was to the news that 12 of the 13 had survived. I'm guessing that there was an error in communication on that one. When they showed the familes and friends gathered at the church down the road, huddled together anxiously for any word of their loved ones, my heart really went out to them.

Maybe it's just me, but I think that having news cameras right next to a bunch of people who might be learning of a tragedy any minute is in extremely poor taste. I could see the faces of some of the children, and it choked me up. I think that when you learn of the passing of a loved one, it ought to be a private moment; a sacred moment. But maybe that's just me.

Wrong Place at the Wrong Time.

Two LDS Missionaries were shot in Chesapeake, Virginia on Monday.

From what the news has reported, the gunman was attempting to kill someone else, and the missionaries, who happened to be going door to door in the area, intervened and tried to help the intended victim. The gunman shot both missionaries in the head, killing one of them.

I think we can agree that Mormon missionaries are pretty easily identified. Dark suits, little name tags on the pocket... they travel in two's... and they are freakin' UNARMED!

I can't help but think that the big guy upstairs takes umbrage at people gunning down missionaries, and I bet that there's a special, extra toasty corner of hell reserved for such people, right next to those who burn down churches and those who strap explosives onto themselves with the intent to kill others.

Religion of Peace Pieces.

Headline: Suicide bomber was planning attack at kids' Hanukkah party.

Now, I have no way of verifying this, and the article doesn't provide a whole lot of evidence for their claim, but taking into account the number of suicide bombers that detonate themselves in crowded marketplaces, restaurants, malls, buses and bus stops, I'd say that their claim is probably correct. And IF this is the case, that is one of the lowest and most despicable forms of killing that exists: Murdering the innocents.

But the peace and love doesn't just stop at the Israeli/Palestinian border! A suicide bomber blows himself up at an Iraqi funeral, and the Taliban behead a school teacher (in front of his wife and children) in Kandahar, Afghanistan because his school educates girls, which is apparently against their beliefs.

Now, most of you know that I am very religiously tolerant, with one exception: Any religion that kills or advocates the killing of innocent people.

And right now, Islam is fitting the bill. But it's a religion of peace, you say! Listen, living in France and Switzerland, I had some Muslim friends. These were probably the most friendly, sharing and personable people I have ever met. Really. But the facts speak for themselves: With over 1.2 billion Muslims in the world, there is very little outcry being heard over the atrocities that happen every day.

And yet, any closer examination (i.e., surveillance) of mosques (in the U.S. even) known to preach violence, anger and hatred against Americans is met with the riot act from civil liberties groups. "We can't invade their privacy." "They have every right to breathe out threatenings against the U.S." Well fuck that. Their right to privacy and free speech ends where it affects my right to live safely.

If anyone feels differently, PLEASE voice your feelings! I am very open minded, and if my views on things can be enlightened, then so much the better!

Sorry for the rant today; there was just so much violent and depressing news on the radio on the way in to work. I'll try and come up with a post about clowns, or puppy dogs, or pit barbecues or something. Sheesh.