If I Had A Billion Dollars

A BNL Song comes of age...

As poor Dr. Evil found out, "One Meel-yun Dollars" just doesn't go as far as it used to. So, adjusting for inflation, societal excess, and several other nameless but undoubtedly important factors, I give you the billion dollar version: (And yes, I know that it doesn't really rhyme, but when you have a billion dollars you really don't give a rat's ass)

If I Had A Billion Dollars

If I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd build me a house - Like a huge chateau or something
And if I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
I'd build a bowling alley in my bathroom - y'know, just because I can
And if I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you a Maserati - or maybe a fleet of stretch Hummers
And if I had a billion dollars I'd buy your love

If I had a billion dollars
I'd build a golf course in our backyard
If I had a billion dollars
You could help, it wouldn't be that hard
If I had a billion dollars
Maybe we could put like a little tiny lake in there somewhere
You know, we could stock it with swordfish, and alligators and pirhanna, and Shamu! Yes, Shamu... and he could jump out of the water and catch the golf ball in mid-air, and.. and then do a somersault back in the lake...

If I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you a tropical island - with a T-Rex and some raptors
And if I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you a congressman - yep, like Randy "Duke" Cunningham
And if I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you Mozart's skull - it's on display somewhere in a museum
And if I had a billion dollars I'd buy your love

If I had a billion dollars
We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I had a billion dollars
We'd build another one just outside our front door
If I had a billion dollars
We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner
So we wouldn't... We'd eat "The ultimate PBJ" from Disneyland, and every time we wanted one, we'd fly there in a really cool helicopter, and..and.. land right in front of Space Mountain... yeah!

If I had a billion dollars - If I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you a chocolate factory - but not with real oompah-loompah's, that's cruel
And if I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you a dog - but not a tiny one like Paris Hilton's
If I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you a case of Twinkies - haven't you always wanted a Twinkie?
If I had a billion dollars I'd buy your love

If I had a billion dollars, if I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars, if I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars, I'd be targeted by the IRS.

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Seriously, If I had a billion dollars...

• I'd sponsor like a thousand kids in third world countries
• Quit Job. Screw the two week notice. Go out to lunch. A really good lunch. Go to a movie (Do you know how long it has been since I've seen a movie in a theater?) Hire a nanny with impeccable credentials, book a cruise with my wife to the Mexican Riviera. Buy her a brand-new minivan on the way home... fully loaded.
• Go furniture shopping... for some real good furniture. The kind that costs more money than I make in two months. Realize that furniture will not fit in our present house. Buy a new house. Spend two hours shopping in the sock emporium. (Why? Because I've never shopped for socks. Honest.) Have nothing but large, gooey pecan rolls for lunch. Buy a wave-runner.
• Buy a Nikon D-70 and D-200, along with a new laptop computer. Rent a convertible, turbocharged car and drive to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Just because.
• Visit art museums... buy some stuff for the new house. Take some cool pictures. Go to whatever concert is playing in town that night. Eat dinner at the Tres Hermanos just outside of town. Mmmmm... heavenly!
• Fly to Louisville, KY during Derby Days
• Drive through New England during the fall foliage season
• Go to Disneyworld for a few weeks
• Learn to fly a helicopter and a plane
• Visit the Big Apple
• Buy a ranch in Montana
• Watch a Space Shuttle Launch from Cape Canaveral
• See Hong Kong...

Give me more suggestions on where to go, and what to see!