I wasn't even going to write about this one. I had a dream about a week or so ago. I was 18, and watching our house while my family was on vacation. This almost sounds like that movie "Risky Business" from the 80's. Anyhoo, in the dream, I meet a girl who is a few years younger than me, and I liked her, and she liked me, and things progressed from there. I won't go into the R-rated version of the dream, but I was just blown away by how she - for lack of better wording - completely shared herself with me.
It was the strangest thing, because I haven't experienced that in my life. Not from anyone. Including my wife. The girl in the dream had no problem with her sexuality or hang-ups about her body, and there was never any fear of her taking off with someone else. It was as if she was a missing half to me that I never knew about.
This, of course, spawned a bit of depression as the contrast between what I felt in the dream, and what I have in reality (presently) became pretty pronounced. I fought the depression and the wandering thoughts good and hard for several days, and came to terms with it. Until yesterday.
We attended church up near Yellowstone before coming home yesterday, and sitting down the row from us was a newlywed couple. She had gorgeous tan legs, and a lovely figure, and the tall dark and handsome husband sitting next to her. It wasn't the girl or the guy that I noticed so much, as their hands. She held his hands and was massaging them, playing with them, caressing them, and being about as romantic as you could possibly be while just holding hands.
In our ten years of marriage, I don't think my wife has held my hands like that for at least 8 of those years. Again, lots of questions about what I really wanted out of life started swirling around in my head, to the point that I really didn't hear much of what the speaker had to say. I know one thing that I don't want, and that is divorce. Thus, another several days of fighting depression and wandering thoughts are slated for the rest of this week.
Just so I don't sound like some selfish, one-sided bastard, let me assure you that I have been trying very hard to keep the fire alive in our marriage. I'm not just sitting around saying "things aren't right, and it's all your fault!" No, I have been flirting with her (which she hasn't noticed because the pregnancy has left her feeling so run-down and sick most of the time), helping with house chores, holding her hand in the car whenever we go anywhere, telling her she looks beautiful (even when she looks like the cat dragged her in UNDER the door), and doing the little occasionals that are supposed to make someone feel special.
My wife called at lunch today, and she was commenting on how badly she felt that we don't spend any quality time together, and how it felt like we were just two strangers living under the same roof. That's one step in the right direction. At least she recognizes it too, and perhaps we can really build on this, and improve our relationship. I hope we can, I truly do.
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