A man distinctly resembling John Cleese of Monty Python fame approaches us. Complete with the predatorial smile.
"Hallo, and welcome to Pan-Galactic Vessels! How may I be of service?"
"Um, we're looking for a new vessel... don't really have anything in mind...could we take a look around?"
"Could you?! Most certainly! These vessels are arranged in no particular order, so we'll start over here. This one is a beauty, a real space-saver. It may look like a briefcase on the outside, but press a button and it instantly unfolds into a small flying saucer-type vessel with a clear glass dome on top. Man named Jetson owned it, used it mainly to go to and from work.
Over here, we have something a bit larger, a bit older, but in pretty good shape. The round shape makes it so that people can't tell if you're coming or going! Ha-ha! Right, then. It's called the Jupiter 2, and it was owned by a family that lived in it for a few years while they wandered around the galaxy. Perhaps you've heard of them...the Robinsons? There was also a Major Don West that was with him, and it seemed that any time that man took the wheel they'd crash land the thing. Shame, really. So yes, there's a few scuffs and dents, and one of the three landing gears will short out from time to time, nothing serious. The bridge has a nostalgic feel to it, with lots of blinking lights and what have you. Moving along...
Here we have a single seater, more of a mid-life crisis vessel, if you know what I mean (winking). Its twin ion engines make it a fast little craft, but previous owners have complained about a rather loud, almost screaming sound that the engines made, which - of course - is ridiculous, because in space nobody can hear you scream. Which brings us to our next craft, the Nostromo. Ha, just kidding! The Nostromo, as you well remember, was lost because some ninny accidentally hit the self-destruct button. Too bad, really, because even though it was a mining ship, it was great as a vacation craft. Think of all the equipment you could haul around in her! Moving on...
Here, we have a rather flashy vessel that we're willing to part with for a reasonable price. Other than the hyperdrive having a glass jaw, this little beauty was also bombed on a landing platform at Coruscant. It has been completely rebuilt, stronger than ever, and it's also one of a kind. It was originally the royal cruiser for the Naboo uppity-ups, and what with the empire essentially having taken control of everything in that quadrant, there's really no need for a royal cruiser at this point. Again, hyperdrive is dodgy, but you won't find a flashier vessel this side of the galaxy. Speaking of the empire, we have a few more of their vessels over here.
Now, if size is important, there's nothing quite like parking one of these babies out front for the neighbors to see. Powered by three huge engines, it sits at just over 1600 meters long, and can haul a few thousand of your closest friends, family, or enemies - if you prefer - in the brig section. It's armed to the teeth with ion cannons, tractor beams and the sheer power of intimidation. One thing to never forget is to jettison the garbage before you make the jump to lightspeed! Oh, did I mention lightspeed? It can.... okay, I already see the little missus shaking her head and tugging your sleeve. Moving along.
Shuttle Tiderium here is actually an impound. She's in tip-top shape to be sure, it just so happens that someone parked her on a landing platform on some forest moon of Endor, and then with the Death Star blowing up - again - and all the fracas that ensued, everyone completely forgot about this little peach. A short 20 meters long, graceful folding wings, a back seat and good fuel economy, this little package will get you from point A to point B in style, and will last forever! Good, solid Imperial construction, that one is.
Now that one... I don't know if it interests you or not. You're only shopping for a vessel, but this is more like a mobile home. We procured it through a Federation auction agency, but really can't figure out what to do with it. It's fast, mysterious, has all the bells and whistles... but no human interface. A bit like trying to use a CD player without the faceplate...know what I mean? Anyway, a rather attractive lady with some electronics fused to her head has been inquiring about it.
Now this baby here is a classic! A federation design at only 305 meters in length keeps it in a mid-size class. Not too big or too small. Shields, phasers, photon torpedos and transporters! I'm told it also has transwarp capabilty. Originally an exploration vessel, it was decomissioned recently as a training vehicle. It's had a few scrapes, a few holes blasted through the saucer section here and there... but completely repaired, and cleans up rather nicely. It's powered by a dilithium crystal reactor, which you DON'T want to open while it's hot. They lost a science officer a few years back from that. The Enterprise also comes complete with a security system, should anyone steal it from you. All you have to do is say 'Computer, initiate destruct sequence 0 - 0 - 0.' Works jolly good, I'm told.
We had another ship parked here...another Federation design. Looks like the Voyager is out on a test drive right now... some lass named Janeway taking it on a three hour tour...
Over here, we have a couple of larger vessels... both very similar to each other. A very hearty and solidly-built ship, that battlestar is. It's the last of its class, the rest of them having been destroyed in one form or another. The darker battlestar is supposedly an improvement, but it's smaller, and you cannot find your way from one end to the other without getting lost in those catacombs of hallways. Even though the black one has an FTL drive, it's built completely of CGI, and often has some whiny arabic-type music playing on the soundtrack. Very new agey. And the technology on that one? The old grey battlestar has it beat by leaps and bounds. Even though one of the landing bays was completely gutted by fire, and there are lots of scrapes and dents, it's all been rebuilt and just as strong as ever. A little Bondo here and there, and good as new. However, she's a slow, lumbering giant that just guzzles fuel, and when one of your only sources of Tylium is a planet crawling with Ovions and guarded by interstellar minefields, well....
Now over there, by that moon....here's where you're supposed to say 'that's no moon - that's a space station!' Ha-Ha! Erm...right, then. Anyway, the Death Star. People say that both Death Stars were destroyed by the Rebel Alliance, blah blah blah...how could you have a Death Star? Must be a fake...blah blah blah. What you've got to realize is that the Empire was just like any other big government. Why build just one, when you can build two at twice the price? She's priced only for the most serious of buyers, though. And the planet blasting weaponry? Disabled. Though, I have been told that it can be easily reconnected. Just like cable television in the 1980's.
Just a few more to look at here. This one here is a real deal. She's had a few modifications done to her, like these huge aquariums built inside the storage bay. I've heard it's quite soothing to cruise through the stars with a few humpback whales floating around and whining. She's also got warp capability, and a cloaking device. The interface is completely in Klingon, but you get a feel for it soon enough. I just use a pad of yellow post-its to tell me what the different controls are for. Only 109 meters long, she's small but fast.
And then theres... oh, for the love of... I can't believe we actually have one of these on the lot! It's a Bespin pod-car. It really shouldn't be here at all, as we normally don't sell vehicles like this. I would almost be willing to pay you to take it away. Nothing says 'gay' like a twin-pod bespin car. And here's our last vessel on the row.
The Phoenix, originally owned by a group calling themselves 'G-Force'. Talk about your recreational vehicle! It has an accessory fighter plane, motorcycle, a race car and...and... whatever the hell that thing is that the little guy drove. It can fly through atmosphere and space, and can operate under water, too. Once they were no longer pursued by that loony Zoltar character, they sort of lost interest. Went their own ways. Ships in good shape, though. And for when you want to really impress somebody, you flip this switch over here, and it becomes the 'Fiery Phoenix'. Of course that feature is a real gas guzzler.
There. We're at the end of row 1. Only 2243 remaining to go. Hey, where are you going?
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