No Judgement Here...

I want to share something with you, so that maybe you can see where I'm coming from.

I am probably one of the most non-judgemental people you will come across, yet you wouldn't know it from some of my rants. I reserve the right to be selectively close-minded. This means that my mind was open for a pretty damn long time on some subjects before it got tired of waiting for someone or something to justify it remaining open. So then it closed.

Most of my closed-minded subjects have to deal with what I perceive as stupidity, plain and simple. You are welcome to disagree with me on any or all of these things. That is your right, and I defend that wholeheartedly. You will notice that these subjects most often deal with politics, politicians and occasionally religions (at least those that advocate the killing of others for no good reason at all).

The subjects you won't see me form judgement on are addictions of any kind, depressions, weaknesses and honest-to-God mistakes. How could I? I was the poster child for many of these things at one time or another.

At age 18, I was an alcoholic. I drank heavily with the fraternity that I was in, but it went far beyond social. I would drink at home as well, and I lived alone. At the age of 19, I was going through one of the worst times in my life. The girl I was deeply in love with was cheating on me with one of my good friends. She would avoid me almost all the time, and would never tell me what was wrong. I hurt so bad that I truly wanted to die. It was in the middle of all this that I quit drinking. I had come to find that all of the pain and anguish would still be there waiting for me when I sobered up, plus interest. Not only that, but I lived alone, and if I was to pass out and choke on my own vomit, nobody would find me for days. So I decided to go cold turkey. Facing all of my problems without the bottle felt worse than if someone had removed my liver with hack saw, but in time I got over it.

So here I am today, not having drank (or done drugs) in 17 years. There have been some damn hard times in my life since then - times when a drink would have soothed the troubled soul, but solving it all without the alcohol has made the healing so much more complete.

Again, I could never criticize, because I've been there. I can't tell someone it's easy to stop; it's just worth it.

During my teenage years, I was a pathological liar. I would regularly make things up because my life was so miserable. My parents had divorced when I was 12, and fought for nearly ten years after that over custody of my brother, sister and I. Being the manipulative little bastard I was, I learned how to play both ends against each other, and to profit materially from it. I told not only my parents, but many other people just what they wanted to hear. I was an opportunist.

At one point, it became vitally important to me to just be honest with myself and others. I knew people whose word was their bond. If they said something, you could damn well count on it being true. That impressed me. The kind of people they were impressed me, and I wanted to be like them. So I endeavor to be upfront and honest about everything I can. There are exceptions, however. Unless you read my posts pretty carefully, you wouldn't know that my name really isn't Nilo. But it's a name that I like, and will continue to use as my nom de plume.

Since I was 5, I've had an inordinately strong attraction to the female body. This, of course, led to lots of "playing doctor" when I was a young kid, and ultimately a pornography habit when I was older. Porn was an addiction that was just as hard to break as the booze and the drugs were. Am I cured? No, not completely. I still have days where it would be verrrryyy nice to see a nude woman. I just try and funnel all of that energy toward my wife. Poor wife.

There have been times during our marriage when the stress and contention were intolerable. You couldn't breathe in our home, because the tension was so oppressing. At such times, I have come close to hooking up with a female friend and doing something that I would really regret later. I have teetered on the edge between yes and no, and while thankfully I chose not to break my wife's heart and lose the trust of my children, I cannot pass judgement on anyone else in the same position who follows through. It was a place so easy to get to, so difficult to walk away from.

As you can see, I'm someone who has learned from the "School of Hard Knocks". I've never been one to do or not do something purely on someone else's experience or belief. I've always had to question, and I've always had to find out for myself. While it may not be the smartest way to go through life, this had enabled me to be a very good listening ear, but not a judge.