My hat tip to the Utah Driver...

Here is a copy of the "Newly Updated Utah Driver's Test"*

This test is BOTH the sample test and actual test. The sample test has the correct answer(s) to the questions in italic print, and sometimes the actual test does too, if they get mixed up.

UTAH DRIVER'S EXAM*
* Not Really

Turn signals are to be used:

1. For three seconds before initiating, and during any lane change
   
2. Never during a lane change, but sometimes for miles on end down a straight stretch of road
   
3. Turn Signal? Is that what that blinking yellow thingy is?

If your turn signal doesn't work, the proper way to signal a left-hand turn is:

1. Extend your left arm straight out your window
   
2. Swerve suddenly to the left
   
3. Turn signal? Is that what the blinking yellow thingy is?

When you arrive at a two-way stop, you:

1. Look both directions, before cautiously moving into traffic
   
2. Execute a "California Rolling Stop", and glide into the intersection, nearly causing an accident.
   
3. Sit at the stop sign for minutes on end, even while no one is coming in either direction, and when somebody honks at you, you immediately flip them off, shout "Fuck you!" out the window, execute your move into traffic while hanging your head out the window, still yelling things in "Inner City Urban" at the person who honked at you, and looking like a complete dipshit.

When somebody rapidly gains on you in the far-left lane on the highway, you should:

1. Courteously move to the next lane over and let him pass.
   
2. Tap your brake lights to let the approaching driver know that he's traveling at an unsafe speed
   
3. Stand your ground! Let that sonofabitch know that the speed limit is 65 DAMN MILES PER HOUR, not 80! Let that leadfoot asswipe know that lawbreakers will not be tolerated in your community, certainly not on YOUR watch! (Oh my, was that my church voice?)

When caught in heavy, slow moving traffic, it is best to:

1. Drive in a patient, calm manner, obeying all traffic laws.
   
2. Swear a lot
   
3. Pull out your "Rabid Environmentalist" and "ACLU Lawyer" voodoo dolls, pound the hell out of them, cursing them for halting the construction of the Legacy Parkway, which would have largely alleviated such traffic congestion.

The proper use of a cell phone while driving a car includes:

1. Pulling over to the side of the road, so that you can devote your attention to the call.
   
2. Keeping at least one hand on the wheel of the car while your are talking on the phone.
   
3. Driving 30mph slower than surrounding traffic while on the phone, at the same time, being largely oblivious to said traffic.

If the car behind you is riding your bumper, swerving slightly back and forth, and the car in front of you is more than a quarter mile ahead of you, you should:

1. Courteously move to the next lane over and let him pass.
   
2. Ignore him, he probably doesn't carry a gun in his car.
   
3. Whip out the cell phone, decrease speed by 30mph, and call 9-1-1. He's probably drunk.

You should check your rear view and side view mirrors

1. Once every ten seconds
   
2. When I hear honking
   
3. What? I can see my rear in a mirror?!

If you hit an animal on the road, you should:

1. Call the highway patrol and advise them of the location of the animal, and fill out an accident report.
   
2. Pretend you don't notice that the whole front end of your car has been smashed to hell, and continue along your way.
   
3. Depends on if there's good eatin' on it or not.

When being pulled over by a police officer, it is advisable:

1. Be respectful, keep you hands in plain sight, and do not make any sudden moves.
   
2. To pretend that you're a foreign tourist, and that you did not know the local traffic laws.
   
3. To throw your stash and illegal weapons out the window.

Proper etiquette in addressing a police officer who has pulled you over includes:

1. Respect, politeness and cooperation
   
2. making up some lameass story about why you were speeding, or exposing more cleavage than is necessary.
   
3. Impressing the officer with your obvious gangsta style, carrot-like IQ and inner-city vernacular that uses far too many "Z"s in it, and ending your sentences with "yo".

The correct function of an automobile is:

1. Transportation mechanism.
   
2. Booty-mobile
   
3. 2300 lb. guided projectile.

Proper speed through a residential aera is:

1. 25mph
   
2. Slow, with subwoofer blasting, so everybody knows da Big Dog is in town!
   
3. Nothing under 3nd gear.

Motorcycles are:

1. Bound by the same traffic laws as an automobile
   
2. Pretty darn fun
   
3. Not the best thing to ride into a hotel lobby.

Pedestrians

1. Always have the right of way
   
2. are just unlucky bastards who can't afford a car
   
3. are worth 50 points.

What bumper sticker is most commonly seen on the Utah road?

1. My child is an honor student at ________ school.
   
2. My child can beat up your honor student.
   
3. Forget bumper stickers, I like them chrome nekkid ladies on my mud flaps!

What is the political affiliation of most of your fellow Utah drivers?

1. Republican
   
2. The one with the elephant
   
3. Whichever one is all for me keepin' my assault rifle collection.

Which of the following items can impair a driver's ability to safely conduct a vehicle?

1. Excessive alcohol or medications
   
2. Carload of screaming children
   
3. The sun reflecting off of those bright, shiny spinning hubcaps....ooh, shiny, sparkly...

What is the legal blood-alcohol limit before you are considered unsafe to drive?

1. 0.08
   
2. 55mph, I guess.
   
3. When I caint remember the ex-wife no more.

When an emergency vehicle approaches, you should

1. Pull off to the right side of the road and wait until it passes, then resume normal driving.
   
2. Try to outrun it.
   
3. Emergency vehicle? What emergency vehicle? Guess I better turn down da subwoofer.

The preceding was NOT actually an official test from the State of Utah. However, judging by the way most Utah Drivers conduct their vehicles, there has to be an unofficial study guide out there which bears a striking resemblance to this document.