Okay, time for me to lay my cards out on the table here.
First off, I'd like to say "Wow". I was honestly stunned (and flattered, of course) by Kingfisher's comment to my last post. And I hadn't intended to sound like a martyr, and I hadn't thought I had sounded like a martyr, but looking back I can see that yes, there is certainly a degree of "Drama Queen" to the recent posts. My apologies.
I've seen people stage blog deaths for attention, and I've seen others just walk away, leaving the rest of us wondering what the hell happened. I didn't really want mine to go that way. So when I picked a date, and advertised it on my header... well, there's a story behind that. Pull up a chair, this will take a minute or two.
First off, many of you have probably guessed that my actual name isn't Nilo. And while I'll forgo revealing my secret identity here, I will tell you where "Nilo" comes from.
Five years ago this Friday, a young woman in our area died in a car accident. And I don't expect you to understand why or how, but this girl who I had never met before (and likely never would have met) affected me more profoundly in my life than almost any other event.
Her name was Nila.
She was someone who was a friend to everyone, and would often reach out to others in quiet and unassuming ways. My original intention was to honor her through my words and the way I live... to keep a part of her alive in me, which is something I still try to do to this day. And this blog was originally going to be part of that effort, except that somehow, over the past year I have allowed it to evolve according to the expectations of others, and have not been true to my own self. The parts of me you usually see, are the parts that generate conversation in the comments log, or high ratings through the StatCounter. I found myself wearing a mask, often disguising much of who I really am, for the sake of being accepted by my online peer group. I was whoring myself out for stats, and little tidbits of praise. And I've become less and less comfortable with tacking Nila's name to this whole venture, because so much of this just isn't her.
And while my real life personality isn't drastically different from what you see here, there is just so much more of it that you don't see. An example...
Several years ago, after having worked a late shift at a local mall, I drove down to pick up some dinner at Burger King at about 10:00pm. I recognized a man sitting on the bus bench nearby as a man who worked in the Utah Industries for the Blind store inside the mall. I pulled up next to him and asked him where he was heading. He was going home, which was located on the other side of the Salt Lake Valley... This trip would have taken probably a good hour during the daytime, but by now a lot of the routes had stopped running for the night. There wasn't any guarantee he would be dropped off anywhere near his home. And so I picked him up and drove him home, which trip took probably about 45 minutes out of my own schedule, but I didn't think twice about it. I have a big heart for people... especially people in need. That fact didn't especially shine through in my blog, did it?
Most of you know how quickly my language can degenerate... especially while driving among the great idiots of the road. However, did you know that this Mr. Potty-Mouth here also teaches a children's Sunday School class? And I am goooood at it, too. I'm the teacher that all the kids like, because I bring candy as bribery for good behavior, and often use Fisher-Price toys as props. And apparently it works, because pretty much all of my kids can remember most of the Old Testament stories that I've taught them.
So just a couple of examples of the different parts of me that are missing from the blog. Moving on...
Also conspicuously absent from the blog are a lot of details from my home life. From what I've written, it would be hard to tell that my marriage has been teetering dangerously close to doom over the past several months. This is in conjunction with the mid-life crisis which started right around my birthday. And yes, even though I've joked about it, I've been weathering a full-blown mid-life crisis... at age 37. So I guess this means that I'll probably only live to be 74?
In addition to all of this, I have a wonderful friend that I met in the beginning days of my blog... who has become so much more than just a friend. (Sorry guys... she doesn't have a blog; you can't check her out.)
So over the past year, we've maintained a correspondence, getting to know more and more about each other, sharing many of the same interests, outlooks and philosophies on so many different things. And I realized that I felt so much more for her than just friendship. She sees things in me that I could never have seen in myself, and she has a way of making me feel like I'm ten feet tall and bulletproof... like I can take on the world, and win. She has made me feel more alive than I have in years, and I am so very grateful for that "awakening". She has become so very dear to me, and I love her to pieces! And for those of you who think this spells "certain doom" for my marriage, I invite you to read a little further.
This friend of mine woke me up to the fact that I can and should expect more from life that what I was currently experiencing. I didn't get married to trash the whole thing in a divorce some eleven years later. My wife and I started examining our relationship, and started communicating. We've made some changes, and are starting to head in a better direction than we were. Part of these changes involve my wife (who has been a stay-at-home-mom for 9 years now) rediscovering herself, and setting some goals for herself. I'm watching her start to come alive again, and it's a wonderful metamorphosis to see. Of course, this means even less time for blogging...
And Sleepless Mama? Sssshhhhhhhh! That other blog is still somewhat a secret... *chuckling*
The "other" blog is one I started last September, when I thought I was going to ditch this one. It only has about four or five posts, and shows a lot of what's missing from this blog... the deep and reflective side.
Sometimes, instead of trying to remodel and re-decorate a house, it's better to raze the whole thing and start fresh. This is really what I want to do with the blog: The name will have nothing to do with Paige Hemmis, and will include more of a full-bodied version of me than this one currently does. I will, however, be taking a sabbatical of probably a few months before this "resurrection" (or perhaps, more appropriately) "reincarnation" takes place. When I do get it up and running, I will notify those on my blogroll of the new address...
And honestly, I doubt there will be another 9 or 10 posts. Maybe it's a tiny bit obsessive/compulsive, but I wanted to end on a nice, round number of posts... in this case, 250. But I think I'll let that one go.
I had originally wanted to do a "blog funeral" on Friday night, but I'll actually be ice skating with my family that night. So maybe we could do a viewing on Thursday? I had wanted to do sort of an "Irish wake" type thing, and one of my dear online friends suggested having everyone take a drink at the same time, since the logistics of getting us all together in a bar are nigh near impossible. The idea has terrific merit. And so, for those of you who want to participate, the "Drink" would be Thursday evening, 10:00pm Eastern time, 7:00pm Pacific time... and of course you can do the math for the two time zones in between. Your choice of drinks: Liquor, beer, soda, juice, milk, water... whatever. Let's have fun with this. I also have chat capability through Yahoo Chat so far, and if my baby son isn't too fussy Thursday night, I'll be able to do a little bit of that. Oh, and a last will and testament... and a few parting shots maybe... ;)
Wow. That was a long post for me! Does this shed a little light on my intentions?
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