Sunday, May 21, 2006

V.O.D. Strikes Again

How appropriate a nickname for yours truly:

Vortex of Death

It seems as though one of our best friends, currently residing in Phoenix, Arizona... currently 5 months pregnant... has been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, and has been given a 48% chance of survival by her doctors.

I don't really know what to say.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Moving Down The Freeway Of Life

Over the past year, as I have traveled approximately 50 miles to work each morning, and then back home again, I have become pretty familiar with the route.

I know which places tend to bog down first with rush hour traffic, I know where the police usually like to sit and watch for speeders. I know where the accidents typically happen, and I know which lanes are best to be in at certain points of the road.

Example: About a mile before a certain freeway exit, it's a good idea to move from lane 1 or 2 over to lane 3, because invariably, lanes 1 and 2 get bogged down at that point. However, you're wise to move back into lane 1 just as you get to that exit, because traffic from the onramp will bog down lanes 3 and 4 almost immediately as you pass under the bridge.

I'm going to liken this freeway to my lifestyle... Lane number 1 (the far left lane) representing the left... or liberal... side of things. Lane number 4 (the far right lane) representing the right... or conservative... side of things.

I am a social moderate, who typically hangs out in lanes 2 & 3 Getting too far in either direction hasn't ever proved productive for me. The far right lane is usually clogged with the slow and cautious drivers, who could easily represent the slow and cautious people in society who impede progess and change. The far left lane is where the Mario Andretti wannabe's hang out, those in real life who are all about progress and change, but far less cautious than their slow-lane counterparts. While the rest of the freeway moves at a steady pace during rush hour, the left lane is characteristically "stop & go"... People who need to go faster, need to stop faster... and remain at a dead stop longer than any other lane.

And while many people think that it's the fast and progressive ones that the cause of most accidents and harm on the road, there is surprisingly a near-equal amount of responsibilty to be doled out to the slow drivers who impede the flow of traffic, exactly obeying the posted speed limit when the flow of traffic is much higher. And then there are those who weave in and out of lanes and ideaologies at a high rate of speed, recklessly affecting the journey of many others, and whose only thought is for themselves, and how they can get ahead of everyone else. These usually make the best politicians.

I am certainly all about compassion, and am quick to donate money (if I have it) to helping other people, whether it be in a third-world country, or parts of our own country where mother nature has wreaked a bit of havoc, or even the occasional down and out person standing on the side of the road with a cardboard sign. Third-world debt reduction? I'm all about that too... if done wisely. In these and many other ways, I identify with the fast-lane liberals.

There are ways that I align myself with the cautious slow-lane conservatives as well: I'm all about border security, especially when you have multiple reports of "OTM's" (Other than Mexicans) coming across the southern borders... especially when they're identified as being of Arabic descent. I mean, how many Mexican Arabs do we have that are dying to get into the "Great Satanic Nation" for good reasons? Anyone? Anyone?

Set the wayback machine for the infamous 11th of September, 2001. The terrorist acts that brought down two manhattan skyscrapers and destroyed a section of our military's central strategic center were perpetrated by people living inside the U.S. at the time. It's a lot easier to plan and execute acts of terrorism if you're on the inside, and can observe, and "case the joint", so to speak.

This is also where I'm fine with the government analyzing data from phone records and looking for patterns. Kingfisher threw out a scenario on a previous post where this data could possibly be used against you, and he has a valid point. However, if the government looking at phone records and identifying patterns ends up netting some terrorists and stopping some horrific acts, and saving lives, then - to me, at least - it's worth it. Especially if the lives saved includes a loved one.

And then there's the whole argument of "rights". Somehow, if you were to magically transport the country's founding fathers to any one of the several mosques in America where "firebrand" imams preach violence against the infidel, and openly support terrorist acts against America, I believe they would find it hard to label that simply as "free speech". Until just 30 to 40 years ago, this kind of behavior was labeled as "treason". I believe the right to privacy ends when it affects the safety and well-being of others. Consider this: If certain evidences pointed to a meth lab being just a few houses away, would you be more concerned about the safety of yourself and those around you, or the privacy of the guy living with the meth lab?

There is a lot of concern that the current administration of this nation isn't trustworthy; that their actions and intent are nothing but deceptive and nefarious at best. My response to that is: Maybe you're right. But then again, maybe you're not. There is such partisan bickering, such widespread slander, villification and defamation flooding through the political world that Jesus himself could be president, and you wouldn't know whether you could trust him or not. There is a point, though, when it comes down to "Do you put your trust in the hungry jaguars that are chasing you through the jungle, or the rickety-looking rope bridge that might get you across the chasm and to safety?"

So my advice for driving on the freeway of life: Drive a little bit in every lane. The more you drive the road, the more you'll develop a feel for how it flows, how the traffic moves around you. You'll discover which points clog up quickly, and which points open up to endless vistas of beautiful scenery. Drive a little in each lane, and get to know what traffic is like for other drivers... see the road from behind their windshield a few times. Be a little bit liberal and progressive, be a little bit cautious and conservative, and spend some time in between. Variety is the spice of life, and as the good book says "To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven"

Friday, May 12, 2006

A Few Awards...

A corny cornucopia of awards to hand out...

Cheapass of the Day Award

I pulled into a gas station just down the road from my office to buy a diet soda this morning, and saw a guy washing his entire car with the windshield squeegee.

Strange Cosmic Fact of the Day Award

Remember the head-on double fatal accident I posted about? Since that time, two other head-on collisions have happened in the same location. The more recent accidents have left the drivers critically injured, but not dead. And the freeway, of course, was shut down each time, creating huge traffic congestion problems. You think that the highway patrol would put up a large sign or something that said "Don't crash here, dammit!"

Obscure Fact About Me Award

Yes, In high school I was a band geek. I have photographic proof which I will insert into this post later tonight. I played the trumpet, and could play the sax, flute and drums a bit, too. Our school started a marching band the summer I graduated, and I played in it. We took "First in State" at the July 24th (state holiday) parade in Salt Lake. I'm currently in the slow and lengthy process of teaching myself piano.

Much Ado About Nothing Award

This whole "furor" over the government and phone records. The anthill that is truly becoming a mountain. I mean, Hello, People! They're not recording phone calls... they couldn't give a damn less about Aunt Mabel's secret cake recipes, or your teenage daughter's extensive social life, your brother's illegal music downloading, the gossip about the neighbors, or the affair you've been having with the school crossing guard... What they are getting from the phone companies is data. Data that includes the date and time of the telephone call, the origin and destination of the call, as well as the length of the call.

Has anyone here seen the TV show Numbers? They use mathematic equations to reveal patterns in calling, especially international calls. If consistent patterns of communication show up between suspected terrorists and people living within the US, then those people are investigated a little more closely.

Unless you're calling the Middle East on a regular basis, and talking for quite a while, I certainly wouldn't worry about the government collecting this data from the phone companies. You don't cripple the guard dog who watches over you...

This Musician Kicks Ass Award

I had heard about Matthew Good from Countess's site, but had never heard his music. I got a hold of his CD "Avalanche" two days ago, and listened.... Ah, I Love it! This guy is great! I'm listening to him right now...

So Sad It's Funny Award

Ticket Sales to Mission Impossible III haven't been going as well as projected, and so friends of Tom Cruise from the Church of Scientology Celebrity Center in the Hollywood / Bel Air area have been pitchin' in to help their buddy out, by buying up literally hundreds of movie tickets apiece, and giving them away in an effort to boost box office numbers. I can't help but laugh. I'm sorry... *snort*

That's all for now... maybe more later.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Audience Participation Requested

In an attempt to inject some levity and fun into a recently morose blog, I'm asking for a bit of participation here's

Movie Moments

I want you to list some of your favorite movie moments out, using either the categories below, or some of your own. List out as many or few as you want, using as many or few of the categories as you want.

At the end of the day, I will go through the comments, and cut and paste the moments and quotes into the body of the post, for easier reading. Once your comments have been added to the post, they'll be deleted from the comments section.
  • Favorite funny moments
  • Favorite romantic moments
  • Favorite awe-inspiring moments
  • Favorite tear-jerking moments
  • Favorite action moments
  • Favorite "yeah! right on!" moments
  • Favorite edge of your seat moments
  • Favorite car chase / gunfight moments
  • Favorite scary moments
  • Favorite mind-bending moments
  • Favorite "Damn, I wish I hadn't seen that" moments

I'll start off, and then the floor is yours...

Funny Moments

Nilo Nine Months: Where Hugh Grant and Tom Arnold are beating the hell out of "Arnie the Dinosaur" at the toy store.

Nilo The Shadow: Where you see the sailor falling off of the Empire State Building in the background, bouncing off the building as he goes.

Nilo The Holy Grail: Pretty much the whole damn movie.

Sleepless Mama Serenity:

Kaylee: It's going on a year I haven't had anything 'twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!
Captain Mal: ...God, I can't know that!
Jayne: I could stand to hear a little more.

Sleepless Mama Tortilla Soup:

Dad: As long as you live under my roof you'll obey my rules!
Maribel: Fine! That's fine! (pause) Because I'm moving in with Andy!
Dad: What?
Andy:(equally surprised) What?

Shelly National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: pretty much the whole movie, but specifically the cat electrocution and Chevy Chase's "When Santa comes down the chimney he's gonna find the happiest bunch of assholes this side of the loony bin" speech. My hubby and I make a date to watch that movie every Christmas - no kids allowed!

Shelly Sideways: The look on Paul Giamatti's face as he's crawling through the house to get Thomas Hayden Church's wallet and realizes what's going on in the bedroom.

Shelly Goldmember: The *entire* film. Hilarious.

Shelly Steel Magnolias: way too many great lines to count. "Thanks, Ouiser - nothing like a good piece of ass." "Here, hit her! You can print up shirts - I slapped Ouiser Boudreaux" "This is it, I have found it - I am in Hell." "I'm not crazy, M'Lynn - I've just been in a very bad mood for the last 40 years." That is one of my all-time favorite movies.

Romantic Moments

Sleepless Mama When Harry Met Sally:

Harry: It's not because it's New Year's Eve, and it's not because I'm lonely. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to begin as soon as possible.

Shelly The Order: There was a great line in a Heath Ledger film that I think was called The Order. "It's you and me until the wheels fall off." I like that sentiment.

Awe-Inspiring Moments

Nilo Apollo 13: Launch sequence.

Sleepless Mama The Patriot: The colonials who were retreating seeing the American flag go forward, then turning around and following it.

Shelly A Christmas Carol: The George C. Scott version is the *only* version. (He shared my birthday, btw.)

Tear-Jerking Moments

Nilo Charly: Where Charly's grandma removes her shoes from her feet as she approaches Charly's casket during the viewing.

Sleepless Mama Radio: The whole movie. Seriously, I could only watch it one time, because I cried the whole. Way. Through.

Shelly Steel Magnolias: I never lose it until Sally Field's "I can run a marathon but my daughter can't" speech, but I've never made it through that scene without crying.

Shelly Pretty Woman: The line that always got me in this one was Hector Elizondo's "It must be difficult letting go of something so beautiful."

Action Moments

Sleepless Mama Serenity: River, kicking all that Reaver ass, all by herself.

Sleepless Mama Lethal Weapon I-IV: Because I can't get enough of Mel Gibson kicking ass and taking names. Also, because Rene Russo gets to kick ass, and I think we need more female asskickers in Hollywood.

Yeah! Right On! Moments

Sleepless Mama Terms Of Endearment: Okay, so the mom is in the hospital, all in agony, dying of malignant breast cancer. The grandmother (Shirley MacLain) is telling her grandchildren about the things they'll be able to do when they come back to Houston(!) with her, and how they can do Cub Scouts, etc. The oldest son, age 10ish, who has been a complete and total ass to his mother throughout the movie, says something about his mother being too lazy to check out Cub Scouts. Shirley turns right around and slaps that boy. He starts giving her shit and she slaps him again! Now I certainly don't condone child abuse, and Shirley's character immediately apologizes and explains herself. But seriously, that kid had it coming. I'd expect to get slapped for talking trash about my mom when she's laid up in the hospital.

Sleepless Mama V For Vendetta: When Parliament is blown up, but also when the citizens gather and beat the living crap out of a Fingerman who shot a child. Pretty much all the civil disobedience. Power to the people! Bitches!

Edge-of-your-seat Moments

Nilo Aliens: The whole freakin' movie

Sleepless Mama Blood In, Blood Out: Bound by Honor: One of the cholos being chased says, in this relaxed way, to his fellow cholos (in Spanish) "Tighten your balls."

Sleepless Mama Speed: The whole movie was one long car chase/gunfight.

Scary Moments

Nilo Jurassic Park: The raptor jumping at Laura Dern in the utility vault... The lady next to my friend screamed and slapped her hand down on his knee, making him jump and scream as well...

Mind-Bending Moments

Nilo The Sixth Sense: The ending, of course.

Sleepless Mama The Royal Tenebaums: Pretty much the whole Luke-Wilson-is-in-love-with-his-sister-and-never-grew-out-of-it. But especially when they kiss. Excuse me, but ew.

Sleepless Mama The Matrix: Yeah, I know, it's passe now, but when it first came out, it blew my mind.

Shelly Frailty: There are several points in the movie where you can see what's coming, but it's shocking and you're not sure you want to see it. Truly disturbing movie.

"Wish I Hadn't Seen That" Moments

Nilo The Crying Game: The "big surprise" scene.

Nilo Pitch Black: The woman getting torn in half by the bird creatures.

Sleepless Mama Wild Things: Pretty much all the sex parts. Also the part when Neve Campbell rips out her own teeth. My incisors hurt just thinking about it!

Shelly Payback: The entire movie. That thing sucked.

Shelly Carlito's Way: Al Pacino's love scene - great actor, but ick.

Monday, May 8, 2006

"I'll take what's behind the blue tarp, Alex..."

Surprise! But not the kind you enjoy.

Last Saturday morning, some neighbors were taking a walk down one of the main roads in our area, and were passing by this house.

blue tarp


The yard used to be immaculate and gorgeous. We would comment on it whenever we'd take the dog out for a walk. But lately, the whole thing has gone to pot. Weeds growing out of control, and the whole place looks like it has just fallen into a general state of neglect.

Then there was the blue tarp over the garage door. It looked as if the door was broken, and that the blue tarp was the only way the owner could cover his garage. But the tarp stayed there... seemingly forever. If the neglected state of the yard didn't say "white trash", then certainly, the tarp did.

So, the neighbors who were out on a walk were getting pretty disgusted with this place, and were about ready to report the owner to the homeowner's association when the husband gets an idea.

"I'm gonna go peek under the tarp", says the husband.

"No you are not!, says the wife.

The husband walks up the driveway and peers behind the tarp, expecting perhaps to find several bales of marijuana, or maybe a meth lab. What he did find, however, will haunt him for quite a while.

The owner of the house was sitting in a chair in the garage. Dead. He had shot himself in the head.

The husband freaks out, calls the cops, and then calls another friend to wait there with him. So, a few minutes later when I drive by with all of my kids, half of the street is cordoned off, and four police cars are sitting in front of the house with their lights flashing.

The initial forensics report indicated that he has been dead for roughly a month. Dead. Sitting behind that tarp every time we walked by with the dog.

Apparently, the man had no family or friends in the area... no one to miss him when he died.

How completely tragic...

How to Dismantle an Atomic Blog*

atomic blog

First off, my apologies to anyone who had the expectation of reading anything new on this blog last week... It was a very, very busy week. It didn't help that I had to work on a project for EFH**, which in and of itself is highly stressful, and destroys any literary creativity that I might have.

That being said, let's review the steps for dismantling this atomic blog*:
  1. Finish unfinished business; namely the European Trip entry. I've asked my best friend three times now for any memories he might have from the trip, and so far I've gotten nothing back from him... So, I'll wing it.
  2. Archive all of my past entries into either html, pdf or Microsoft Word. I do want to have a record of this little venture, if only for myself...
  3. Say anything and everything that I need to say... Anything I need to get off my chest before I pull the plug. Some fun, some serious...
  4. Have even more fun with the masthead pics and Blogger settings that I haven't messed around with that much. It's like working in a nuclear* power plant, and always wanting to push that red button... well now, I get to.
  5. Send out invitations to the blog funeral. And yes, there will be a last will & testament... although I really don't have anything to bequeath. It'll be more like "last words."


I really thought it would be hard to leave this blogging thing all behind, but if last week was any indication of the future, I think I'll be doing alright. That, and I'm seriously considering applying for a new job that is a two year contract, and making 50% more than I am here. Plus amazing benefits. Big downside? Not having internet access throughout the day... I'm seriously weighing it; this could be a way to get into a larger house, save up a little money for school, and get that kickass camera I've been lusting after.

Have a very happy Monday, one and all!

*Any similarities between "atomic", "nuclear" and this blog are highly coincidental, and at best, fictional. This site is about as low-voltage as you can get.

**The Engineer From Hell

Monday, May 1, 2006

Monday Morning Double-Take

You might be re-thinkin' the whole pizza delivery thing after you follow this link:

This is just wrong on so many different levels...



This is a study in irony. She wasn't driving a '58 Plymouth Fury named "Christine" was she?



This is what people do when they have wayyyyyyyy too much time on their hands...


I hope you are all having a wonderful Monday; I've been in my office since 4:15am, and am looking forward to heading home around lunch time today! Cheers!

Friday, April 28, 2006

Oops! I Did It Again...

...Obviously.

It seems as though Britney Spears is again "in the family way".

Disgusting, really... She can barely take care of child one, and now has "Emergency Backup K-FED #2" on the way. And what kind of name is "K-FED", anyway? It reminds me of:
  • A now-defunct record company (K-TEL)
  • The Chrysler Car company (K-CAR)
  • Dog food (ALPO)...(?)
K-FED is living, inspirational proof that anybody can get into Britney's pants rise to the top like a floatie in the sceptic tank, er, rise to heights that defy expectations...

I can't seem to say anything nice about them this morning... Man, I am gonna miss being able to be snarky, and having an audience of at least one and a half people to listen to me...

My Luck, Again...

How is it that birds always seem to know when you've washed your car? Is it wrong of me to hope that the Lexus from the car wash yesterday has met with a similar fate? A flock of incontinent seagulls, perhaps?

Numerology

I followed a link to a numerology site yesterday for a free reading. They take your full name and birthdate, and then send you back a description of your character traits within about twenty minutes. It was uncanny how many things they nailed right on the nose. Very uncanny.

Try It: www.123numerology.com

I thought I had more than that for today... but I don't. Have a spectacular weekend!!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Blah Blah...Blah-Blah-Blah...

Just your garden variety of odds & ends...

Today's Cryptoquote:

HB2M... HB2M... HB2.. Meeeeeeee HB2M!

Today's UNCryptoquote:

"Those are years under my belt? I thought they were inches and pounds..."

And Yet Another Example Of My Wonderful Luck:

I decided I'd run my car through the carwash down at the gas station this morning on my way to work. I had a free coupon, and the Blue Mouse was looking rather dirty. I pull up to the carwash entrance, and wouldn't you know it? The Lexus that had just barely pulled in had bought the Super-Duper-Ultra-Deluxe wash that takes about 15 minutes. I couldn't believe it! I halfway expected six guys to jump out of hidden compartments in the carwash and start hand-waxing their car down. I think mine took all of thirty seconds. I told myself I was economizing on water that way...

The Elephant In The Room

Many times throughout the course of this blog, I've ranted about things that are happening in the world that the media just chooses not to cover... and instead, we are bombarded about useless, trivial crap while our world is sinking further and further into... Oh hey, is that the Killers? Oh, I LOVE this song! Yeah!

And there you have it folks, I have A.D.D. ...... And dyslexia. *sigh*

Funeral Plans

I've been working on archiving my posts (starting at the very beginning) into pdf format. Once they're archived, I'll remove them from my site. You'll be able to tell that the end (of my blog, anyway) is near if there aren't any entries left.

Evening Plans

Any of you have any suggestions as to what to have for a birthday dinner?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Funeral Planning

I like the blue-suede lined casket in the background Must be the "Elvis" model.

funeral

I've thought long and hard about this. As much as I have enjoyed blogging, and have immensely enjoyed the friends I have made through my blog, it will soon be time to pull the plug on it.

I think I really put a finger on it the first time the other night when I told a friend "I've been heading in a direction that life didn't want me to go, and now it's yanking back on my leash... hard."

I really need to follow my feelings on this one. The thought of keeping the blog running just adds to the overwhelmingly huge pile of things that I need to get done, whereas closing it down and giving it a decent burial actually gives me a feeling of relief.

I don't really have a date picked out yet... It could be anywhere between now and the end of the summer. When I started, I set goals of
  • Making friends
  • Posting at least 200 posts
  • Getting at least 10,000 hits on the Stat-Counter.
I've accomplished all three, and feel very content with that.

This death won't come completely unannounced... I'll give you fair warning.

More details to follow
...

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

If I Had A Billion Dollars

A BNL Song comes of age...

As poor Dr. Evil found out, "One Meel-yun Dollars" just doesn't go as far as it used to. So, adjusting for inflation, societal excess, and several other nameless but undoubtedly important factors, I give you the billion dollar version: (And yes, I know that it doesn't really rhyme, but when you have a billion dollars you really don't give a rat's ass)

If I Had A Billion Dollars

If I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd build me a house - Like a huge chateau or something
And if I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
I'd build a bowling alley in my bathroom - y'know, just because I can
And if I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you a Maserati - or maybe a fleet of stretch Hummers
And if I had a billion dollars I'd buy your love

If I had a billion dollars
I'd build a golf course in our backyard
If I had a billion dollars
You could help, it wouldn't be that hard
If I had a billion dollars
Maybe we could put like a little tiny lake in there somewhere
You know, we could stock it with swordfish, and alligators and pirhanna, and Shamu! Yes, Shamu... and he could jump out of the water and catch the golf ball in mid-air, and.. and then do a somersault back in the lake...

If I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you a tropical island - with a T-Rex and some raptors
And if I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you a congressman - yep, like Randy "Duke" Cunningham
And if I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you Mozart's skull - it's on display somewhere in a museum
And if I had a billion dollars I'd buy your love

If I had a billion dollars
We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I had a billion dollars
We'd build another one just outside our front door
If I had a billion dollars
We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner
So we wouldn't... We'd eat "The ultimate PBJ" from Disneyland, and every time we wanted one, we'd fly there in a really cool helicopter, and..and.. land right in front of Space Mountain... yeah!

If I had a billion dollars - If I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you a chocolate factory - but not with real oompah-loompah's, that's cruel
And if I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you a dog - but not a tiny one like Paris Hilton's
If I had a billion dollars - if I had a billion dollars
Well, I'd buy you a case of Twinkies - haven't you always wanted a Twinkie?
If I had a billion dollars I'd buy your love

If I had a billion dollars, if I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars, if I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars, I'd be targeted by the IRS.



Seriously, If I had a billion dollars...
  • I'd sponsor like a thousand kids in third world countries
  • Quit Job. Screw the two week notice. Go out to lunch. A really good lunch. Go to a movie (Do you know how long it has been since I've seen a movie in a theater?) Hire a nanny with impeccable credentials, book a cruise with my wife to the Mexican Riviera. Buy her a brand-new minivan on the way home... fully loaded.
  • Go furniture shopping... for some real good furniture. The kind that costs more money than I make in two months. Realize that furniture will not fit in our present house. Buy a new house. Spend two hours shopping in the sock emporium. (Why? Because I've never shopped for socks. Honest.) Have nothing but large, gooey pecan rolls for lunch. Buy a wave-runner.
  • Buy a Nikon D-70 and D-200, along with a new laptop computer. Rent a convertible, turbocharged car and drive to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Just because.
  • Visit art museums... buy some stuff for the new house. Take some cool pictures. Go to whatever concert is playing in town that night. Eat dinner at the Tres Hermanos just outside of town. Mmmmm... heavenly!
  • Fly to Louisville, KY during Derby Days
  • Drive through New England during the fall foliage season
  • Go to Disneyworld for a few weeks
  • Learn to fly a helicopter and a plane
  • Visit the Big Apple
  • Buy a ranch in Montana
  • Watch a Space Shuttle Launch from Cape Canaveral
  • See Hong Kong...


Give me more suggestions on where to go, and what to see!

Friday, April 21, 2006

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall...

Have you ever looked in the mirror, seeing this:

old guy

But when you see a picture of yourself, it looks more like this?

slug

They say "The camera adds 10lbs", but I think the camera is pretty selective as to where it puts those pounds.

I guess it depends also on how many cameras are pointed at you, too.

That's today's wierd thought anyway. Hope you all have a marvelous weekend
...

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Neopolitan 2

Another combination post...

Guardian Angels, pt 2

Car Wreck

Absolutely amazing. I thought I had it good, spinning out of control on a crowded freeway, and barely hitting one car. These women were involved in an accident where their car was crushed between two semi trucks... and not only did they live to tell about it, but escaped with only some minor cuts and bruises. Abso-frickin-lutely amazing...

Where is your ideal vacation spot?

This is a two part question, folks:
  • Where is you favorite vacation spot that you have been to?
  • Where is your favorite vacation spot that you would like to go to (but haven't yet)?

What to Ask For?

I'm birthday shopping on my breaks. Next week, people will gather at my house, eat cake and ice cream and acknowledge that I have, indeed, aged another year. Inevitably there will be cards, some with money and some not. Some people are chomping at the bit, asking what I'd like for a gift... so... I'm making up a list that I can give to my wife, who can then pass it on to friends and family...

*sigh*

I'm one who doesn't like to shop, unless it has to do with computers or home improvement. So far, I'm thinking of a book or two, maybe a DVD... cash... I like cash... One of those "collect all of the quarters from the 50 states" thingys, that way I'll know whether or not to save a quarter or spend it. And a motorcycle. Do you think a motorcycle would be too much to ask for?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Conversations

My morning in a nutshell

With The Boss

Me: So how was your vacation to Sea World?
Boss: Oh, it was wonderful! The grandkids really had a great time...
Me: Great! Isn't that where one of our engineers went this week?
Boss: Uh, yeah...
Me: Mmmmm... So, does Shamu ever jump out of the water and swallow anyone whole?

Paying the ticket (from the accident two weeks ago)

Cop: Put all of your metal objects into this tray
Me: Wow, this is just like the airport...
Cop: Remove your belt please...
Me: Oh, okay...
Cop: Your fly's down
Me: Aw hell... (zipping up fly)
Cop: Have any coin change?
Me: About a pocket full
Cop: Empty it here...

(Metal detector machine goes off)

Cop: Stand over here, lift your pantlegs up so we can see the tops of your shoes
Me: Do I have to take my dental fillings out?
Cop: Stretch one arm out, then slowly bring your fingertip back and touch your nose...
Me: Whaaa...?
Cop: What is the average annual rainfall for the Amazon Basin?
Me: Ummm....
Cop: Spell "Poseidon" in original greek letters...
Me: Uhh, "Pi"..."Omicron"...
Cop: BACKWARDS!
Me: Oh.....
Cop: Okay, there's just one more test (snapping a latex glove on)
Me: Uh-oh...



My fine was $82.00 Although I can think of plenty of other things that I would like to have spent that on, I am still extremely grateful that I squeaked out of that whole situation intact, and with only a scratch on the bumper. If 82 clams was the price for that blessing, it was handed over without a single regret.

Driving to work after paying the fine, I was treated to an account of radio host Jimmy Chunga chasing "Twinkie the Kid" down the road. Being that Chunga is about six-foot five inches, he has often dressed in mascot costumes for different schools and companies.

One day, while driving down North Temple street in Salt Lake, he spies "Twinkie the Kid" standing out in front of the Wonder Bread store, waving to the passers-by. Something inside of him snapped, he pulled his car over, jumped out and started racing toward Twinkie.

Fortunately, our large yellow spongecake becomes wise to what's happening, and takes off at top speed down the sidewalk. The footchase lasts for a few minutes, and Twinkie gets away, but not without losing his foam rubber cowboy hat.

"All I wanted to do was just tackle him", says Chunga. "Then I would have gotten back into my car and driven away..."

A short time later, Chunga was seen pommeling "Charlie the Chocolate-Chip Pancake" in front of IHOP...

This man is my hero. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe...

Monday, April 17, 2006

NeoPolitan

Like the ice cream, where you buy one box, yet get three flavors? One post here, three separate directions...

Flavor 1: The Blog

Within the next month or so, I'm going to drop the "No Paige Hemmis Pics Here" name from the blog entirely. It no longer shows up on the masthead, and why use her name? Anytime she makes an appearance on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, I am immediately flooded by people looking for naked pictures of her. It's not really the kind of traffic I look for...

But wait, there's more?

I am toying with the idea of dropping the name Nilo as well. Not sure yet if I will, But I am definitely entertaining the notion...

Flavor 2: Add-on Accesories

What is the strangest selling point you have ever seen for a house or a car? Examples:
  • A 2-story garage with a fully functioning hydraulic lift for car repairs...
  • Half-sized basketball court in basement
  • Secret passageway behind bookcase in library...
  • Car has three speeds in reverse...
Flavor 3: What To Be?

There is a possibility that I may not be able to go to chiropractic school, and I do NOT want to continue in my present career. Seeing much of my family this past weekend, I'm impressed by some of the directions they've taken in life:
  • Stepbrother: Wine broker in San Francisco, CA
  • Half-Brother: Part Owner in a snowboard company that is starting to really turn some heads
  • Brother-in-law: Up and coming film producer (does amazing work).
  • Half-Sister: Ski lift operator
  • Stepsister: Manages high-brow beauty salon & boutique.
...and the list goes on. The biggest difference between these sibs and myself is: None of them have any kids.

Let it be said that I will never, ever regret having my kids... They add a dimension to life that enriches you, and makes you so much more a person than you could ever be otherwise.

But I realize that I have tied myself down to my present location and jobs because of my need to provide for them. Presently, I work in a windowless office, doing work that will rarely, if ever, be appreciated. I want to change that.

I love working with people, seeing different situations and (if possible) different scenery each day, and I love being able to solve problems.

I am asking for suggestions for an alternative career if Chiropractic school doesn't work out. Feel free to be serious, or keep it light... It doesn't matter. I've come to reflect on the fact that life is TOO. DAMN. SHORT. to be miserable in work or other situations.

The floor is now yours...

Friday, April 14, 2006

Observances...

I could literally blog for the next ten years on the stuff that goes through my mind while I'm driving to work. But when I sit down to start writing... nothing. Flatline brain scan. And then, inevitably, some engineer (who considers themself the earth's rotational axis) will come barging into my office, roaring about deadlines to be met and how, by damn, their work is so very much more important than anything that I had going.

Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything...

Pensée Une - Somewhere, in an effort to clear the title (No Paige Hemmis Pics Here) off at the top of my blog, I've really farked things up for Firefox users... The header has a buffer, and is offset by what, about 180 pixels or so? It shows up on IE just fine... Maybe some of you with Safari, Opera, Netscape or others can let me know if it's screwed up in those formats as well...

Pensée Deux - Another Nilo movie review: Fun With Dick And Jane (1 1/2 Thumbs Up)

I have mixed feelings on this one... This one's another remake, the first one having come out in the mid-70's. When VCR's first came out, I remember my parents renting "Fun With Dick And Jane", and I immediately fell in love with it. Although it's been a good 25 years since I've seen it, and I don't remember a whole hell of a lot of it, it still rates as a good show in my book.

The remake lacks a few elements that the original had, but throws a couple of creative new ones in there. The first one had an antagonistic unemployment agent that would inevitably discover Dick making a little money under the table, while the remake lacks this character. The remake, however, has the full-bodied acting talents of Jim Carrey and Téa Leoni, and some off-the-wall humorous situations that you just didn't have in the 70's (the dog's shock collar had me laughing for three minutes straight the first time they showed it).

Pensée Trois - Anybody else here tired of the crass commercialization of holidays? I walk into Wal-Mart this morning to get some chips on my way to work, and there are two entire aisles whose tops are lined with these Easter baskets that look like they're three feet tall, have a basketball or soccerball in them, along with a bunch of sugary crap in them... Do people even remember the reason for Easter er, "Spring Holiday"? Strange how any holiday or festival that has anything to do with Christ is being renamed and refocused to something completely commercial... something that draws attention away from its original purpose.

Pensée Quatre - Child Abusers should get the chair (or so says a local DJ). You know what? After listening to what he had to say, I couldn't help but agree with him. Now I know that most kids can drive us to the point where they get a good, hard spank, or even sometimes a slap... I don't necessarily consider this abuse as such. What I consider abuse is hitting, beating, whipping and the such. Essentially, anything that Liza Minelli would do to her husband. And - to be sure - anything of a sexual nature. Anything that would destroy a child's innocence or physically / emotionally scar them throughout their life.

Does the death penalty sound a little harsh? Maybe. But a few heavy-duty child abusers go to the chair or the gas chamber, and all of a sudden you'll have people thinking "maybe beating my child with a stick isn't such a good idea." The whole concept of deterrence is lost on American society as a whole. Examples:
  • Deterrent for Iraqi or Afghani "insurgents" being caught by the U.S.: All expense paid vacation to American resort "Gitmo", where you have gourmet food that satisfies your religious dietary requirements, climate control, a copy of your scriptures, an arrow painted on the floor telling you which way to face when you say your daily prayers...
  • Deterrent for raping a child repeatedly over a four year period: Sixty days in jail, followed by rehabilitation and counseling.
  • Deterrent for embezzling millions of dollars from your company: An all-expense paid vacation to "Club Fed"
  • Deterrent for being the Taliban spokeperson: Admission into the prestigious Yale University.
  • Deterrence for striking a Capitol police officer as you pass through a security checkpoint with no credentials: Who knows? Maybe a good "racial profiling" lawsuit... certainly lots of free publicity.
  • Deterrent for capturing American citizens in Iraq, holding them hostage or beheading them in front of the camera: All the free publicity the American media can muster.


Anyone else see a pattern here?

Lee Ann had an excellent post on the sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona, who does practice deterrence...

Pensée Cinq - Anyone else here just a little uncomfortable that Iran has a) finally enriched uranium and b) that their president has declared that Israel will finally be annihilated? It's one thing to put a civil face on in public and rant insanely in private, but this guy just doesn't give a rat's ass...

Pensée Six - What do you guys think of the alarming proliferation of "Check cashing" places, and other institutions and programs that prey on people's bad credit / lack of credit? This has been on my mind lately, as one of these places has opened up pretty close to where I work. And the traffic that it attracts...

That's all for this morning. If anyone has any suggestions about my blog header problem in Firefox, please e-mail me.

Thank You, and have a happy Spring Holiday Easter, everyone!